


Amnesia

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Amnesia, M/M, Multi Chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-01-14 13:29:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: The long promised amnesia fic!! After Robert suffers a car accident, he loses his memory. How can he and Aaron make a go of it, if Robert can't even remember who Aaron is?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Everything in this universe is as canon (who knew I could, right?) up to November 2018. Seb lives with robron full time but has his weekends with Rebecca. As planned at the moment, she won’t appear, but will be mentioned. Although I can see a point in about 20 chapters where she may show up very briefly, she’s not going to be a main character here. Robron are trying for surrogacy, but are further along than in canon. I should also make it clear that I'm completely inventing medical details to suit me.
> 
> The first chapter is very much the set up, I know it's not my best work!

Robert can’t wait to get home and celebrate properly. They’ve had the twelve week scan and little baby no name is perfectly healthy. The confirmation that everything was okay with the baby had just filled Robert with such relief. Both of them. He had been at the scan, but he’d had an important meeting, which had been successful, that he hadn’t wanted to miss. So after kissing Aaron, thanking Sophia profusely and making her promise to call if she needed anything, Robert had rushed off. Which meant that he couldn’t wait to get home and open the champagne to celebrate with Aaron properly. Things were going so well, better than he’d dreamed could be possible.

Until he came to a standstill in traffic. He called Aaron. It was better than watching the minutes tick by as he couldn’t move and get back home where he desperately wanted to be.

“Hi,” Aaron said warmly. “Nearly home?”

“No,” Robert said. “Stuck in traffic. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“I’ve got the champagne on ice,” Aaron said, voice light and happy. “Can you believe it…”

“No,” Robert said. “I really can’t. It’s… wow.”

Aaron laughed down the phone. “Where are you?”

“Waiting for the turn off into Hotten,” Robert said. “Fifteen minutes away once traffic gets moving. Johnson signed by the way. We can afford to decorate the nursery and get Seb a couple of new car seats. He’s growing out of the ones we’ve got.”

“Sounds perfect,” Aaron said warmly. “See you in a bit, okay? I’ve got to feed the mischief maker.”

“See you soon,” Robert said. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Robert hung up, still smiling. The traffic was crawling along and Robert decided to take the long way home. As soon as he could, he turned off, the smaller roads filled with cars that had the same idea. He never even saw it coming. A car drove right into the drivers side, crushing metal and throwing Robert’s body around as he felt a shock of pain go through his abdomen, something hard hitting the side of his head. “Fuck.” He looked down and saw dark red blood and twisted metal going through his body, painting his shirt black. “Oh, shit!” He only remained conscious for a few seconds before he blacked out, the pain too much. He didn’t even have the time to call 999, scrabbling for his phone.

* * *

He called Robert again, but it went straight through to answer phone, and Aaron was starting to get worried now. It had been an hour since he’d heard from Robert, and the traffic couldn’t have been that bad. If it had been, Robert would have called him again. Aaron shook his head and kept calling. Maybe he was being paranoid.

“Yes?” 

Aaron stuttered. Because that was a woman answering Robert’s phone, and he could hear a lot of background noise.

“Who the hell is this?” Aaron said coldly.

“I’m Doctor Evans,” she said. Aaron’s mind started to go into free fall.

“Robert?” Aaron said quickly. “Robert?! He’s okay, right? This is Robert‘s phone!”

“He was in a car accident. He‘s at Hotten hospital and…” The doctor carried on speaking, but the rest was complete white noise to Aaron. He couldn’t hear it over the fear rushing through his body. Car keys, he needed to get to the hospital as soon as he could. Giving Liv a quick explanation and a plea to look after Seb, he left, getting to Hotten hospital as soon as he could.

* * *

 

He couldn’t even remember where he‘d parked the car, he just rushed into the hospital. Was he even alive? What if he was too late? Things had been going so well, they had a baby on the way and in one moment, that‘s gone? “Robert!” Aaron gasped at the receptionist. “Robert Sugden, car accident, he’s my husband, I…”

“Hold on,” the receptionist said, trying to calm him down, which absolutely didn’t work as she clicked through on the computer. “Yes, he was brought in and is in emergency surgery, to deal with injuries from the crash. If you’d like to sit down, a doctor will be with you soon.”

“What?!” Aaron snapped. “I need to know how he is now!!”

“Which would you prefer, the doctors to continue working on your husband, or stopping surgery to inform you?”

Okay, that was a point, even if Aaron wouldn‘t admit it. Aaron sat down, head bent in his lap as he stared at the floor, praying for time to pass quickly, praying for Robert to still be alive. He had to make it, he just had to. They were happy. They had their baby, they had Seb and Liv and their whole lives to come. This couldn’t be it.

* * *

It took hours before Aaron got an update. He’d called Vic, let her know what was going on and asked her to take Seb for the night. Looking after an eighteen month old overnight felt like it was too much for Liv to do alone.

“How is he?” Aaron said as he saw a doctor in scrubs approaching him.

“Mr Sugden sustained major injuries from the collision,” he said. “We’re still operating on him.”

“Oh, God, it’s bad then, isn’t it? Like _really_ bad, not just hospital bad,” Aaron said, heart dropping.

“It’s not that simple. Mr Sugden…”

“Call him Robert,” Aaron said quietly. 

“Okay,” the doctor said. “Part of the car punctured Robert's abdomen. We’ve opened him up and repaired the damage. His kidney was impaired but we managed to save it.”

“That’s good right?”

“What we’re worried about… he sustained a head injury. There’s a bleed on the brain. The surgery is taking longer than expected, because we’re trying to fix the damage, treading carefully.”

“He’s having brain surgery,” Aaron said, the pieces slotting into place. “That’s what you’re telling me.”

“Yes,” he said. ”It’ll be a couple more hours before we know anything more, but right now his heart is strong and stable, and he coped with the abdominal surgery well.”

“You don’t know,” Aaron said. “How he’s going to be. Do you?”

“The brain is tricky, particularly from blunt force trauma,” he said. “I can’t tell you more at this point, because we don’t know how he‘ll react. We’re focusing on getting him off the operating table in one piece.”

“I want to be with him,” Aaron said. “When he comes out. I’m not going to sit at home or in the waiting room, just waiting for news, I need to be with him.”

“We’ll arrange that,” he said. “For now, Robert’s doing well. Hold onto that.”

So Aaron waited.

* * *

 

“He’s out of surgery, and has been taken through to recovery.”

“Is he okay?” Aaron asked. The doctor didn’t answer straight away which made Aaron panic.

“The brain bleed was in the part of the brain that stores memory,” the doctor said. “So there’s a chance he’ll suffer some memory loss.”

“Right…” Aaron said slowly. “W… what kind of memory loss? Are we talking… forgets who he is? Can’t tie his shoes? Gets forgetful? Can‘t remember where he left his phone?”

“We won’t know that until he wakes up,” the doctor said. “There’s a chance he’ll have no side effects at all.”

“But you’re warning me,” Aaron said, trying decode doctor speak. “Which means you think he’s going to have some side effects.”

“Yes, it’s the most likely outcome,” the doctor agreed. The important thing is the abdominal injuries have been repaired, and barring complications the outlook is good.”

“Physically,” Aaron pressed.

“Your husband is in the best place,” the doctor said. “Now it just depends on him. How he responds when he wakes up.”

“But he will wake up?” Aaron said.

“We’re fairly confident,” he said.

“Thank you,” Aaron said. “I need to see him.”

“Of course.” 

Robert looked small in his hospital bed, a tube down his throat, eyes closed and a small patch of shaved hair at the back of his head. A cut on his forehead, a magnificent bruise across his upper arm that would turn purple in a few days. He looked terrible. Aaron took up his place by Robert’s bedside and gripped his hand tightly. All he could do now was wait.

* * *

Robert hadn’t moved overnight. Aaron had only left him briefly to call Vic and give her an update and check Seb was okay. He sent Liv a text too, but assumed she was asleep as he got no reply. “I need you to wake up. I need you to be here. We’ve nearly got three kids between us, and I can’t do it on my own.” His voice cracked and he breathed through a sob. He couldn’t fall apart, not yet. Robert could be fine, he would be fine. He had to be. There wasn’t any other option. All Aaron could do was sit there and stroke his hand and wait for time to pass.

Aaron had drifted off to sleep for maybe two minutes when Robert started choking on the tube down his throat. Two nurses came into the room, helping it out as Aaron watched on fearfully.

“What’s happening?” Aaron asked.

“He’s fighting the tube, it means he’s breathing on his own,” one nurse said quickly.

“That’s good, right?” Aaron said. They didn’t answer until they’d finished checking Robert’s vital signs.

“Yes, it’s good,” she said. “Very. He’ll probably wake up in the next few hours.”

“Oh,” Aaron said, relieved. He wanted to see Robert’s eyes so badly again. To hear him talk. This being unconscious thing was no good for them both, sleeplessness already starting to make Aaron‘s temper short.

He’d been staring at his face so long and so often that Aaron hadn’t really noticed that his eyelashes were fluttering. “Rob,” Aaron said. “Robert, look at me.”

Robert coughed, screwed his face up, and opened his eyes. “Robert!” Aaron said. “It’s okay, you’re all right. You’re in hospital, but you’re going to be okay.”

“What…” Robert blinked, trying to orientate himself as he looked around the room. “Who are you?”

Aaron froze. “What?”

“You don’t look like a doctor,” Robert said, then looked around, taking in his surroundings. “You’re in my hospital room.”

“You… don’t… recognise me?” Aaron said, staring into Roberts face and hoping it was some kind of terribly bad joke. But no, there was no recognition there. “Oh, God. I’ll um… get the doctor.”


	2. Chapter 2

Robert looked around the empty hospital room, thinking. Where was Chrissie? What had happened? Did she not care that he’d been in some kind of accident? Who was that guy? He’d looked incredibly concerned about him, which was nice in a weird disconnected way. Because why would a stranger give a crap? Before he could ponder those questions too deeply a doctor came in, late forties maybe.

“Hi, Robert,” he said. “I’m Doctor Johnson, I’m a brain specialist and we want to check your reactions.” The bright smile on his face was annoying but Robert allowed himself to be poked and prodded. He groaned as he had a light beamed in his eyes, asked to wiggle his toes, asked some simple questions, his name, all the while that strange man stood behind the doctor, clearly worried and biting his bottom lip.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Robert thought about it, and he had no idea about the order of things. Lawrence deciding to move to the village? Proposing to Chrissie? No, that happened before. “I don’t know,” Robert said. “It’s all mixed up.”

“Where do you live?”

“I… my father-in-law was talking about moving back home. To Emmerdale, I’m not sure… I can’t remember.”

“How about siblings?”

“Vic,” Robert said confidently. “Andy if you count him. I notice neither of them are here.” That hurt. Even with the fractious relationship, did they not care about him? He could have been at deaths door.

“Vic’s looking after Seb,” the strange man said.

“Who’s Seb?” The man and the doctor looked at each other in awkward silence.

“How old are you?” the doctor asked.

“Twenty eight,” Robert said. He did not like the glances everyone was doing. “Can someone tell me what’s going on?!” he snapped, frustrated.

“Okay,” the doctor said. “You were in a car accident. You’ve had some damage to your abdomen, which we repaired, and you had a slight bleed on the brain, which we’ve also fixed. It seems that you might be suffering from some memory loss.”

“What kind of memory loss?” Robert asked, suddenly afraid. His brain didn’t work? A car accident? He didn’t remember that at all.

“That’s what we need to ascertain,” the doctor said. “I’ll be back with you in a moment.” They both left, which left Robert feeling completely baffled, angry and confused.

* * *

The doctor looked at Aaron, considering while Aaron felt his life fall away from him. Robert didn’t remember him, how could this be normal! “I think we need someone who’s known him longer to sit with him and help him… If he doesn’t remember you… I know this is awkward.”

“Vic,” Aaron suggested. “His sister. I can call her to come in.”

“That would probably be a good idea,” the doctor said. “We’ll get to the bottom of it. We’re going to give him an MRI to have a look at his brain. We couldn’t before the surgery, obviously.”

“Right,” Aaron said distantly. “I’ll call Vic.”

“I have some other patients, but I’ll be back,” the doctor reassured. “Don't panic, nothings confirmed yet.” That did not fill Aaron with confidence.

* * *

Aaron had called her, filling her in on the fact that Robert was awake and physically fine, which after all, was the main thing. In the time it took for Vic to get here, Aaron had quietly fallen into pieces, sitting on the chair outside Robert’s hospital room. Robert didn’t remember him. His husband who he’d married twice didn’t remember him. How could that be real? How could it be even possible? Robert was the most important fundamental part of his life, the foundation stone with which he’d built their home, their life together. But within a few moments in a random car crash had taken that away from them both?

“How is he?” Vic asked breathlessly, shifting Seb up in her arms.

“He’ll be pleased to see you,” Aaron said, taking the boy from her and grinning at him. “Hey mate!”

“Aaron, what aren’t you telling me?”

“He seems to have some memory loss,” Aaron said. “He… can’t remember me. They wanted to… have someone he would remember, he‘d know.”

“What?” Vic said, frowning.

“He had a brain bleed,” Aaron said. “It’s effected his memory and apparently wiped me out.”

“That’s crazy,” Vic said, dropping the bag with Seb’s things in it by Aaron’s feet before going in to his hospital room. Aaron used Seb as a distraction. For a little bit, it was easy to get lost in his smiles and giggles and see everything so simply through his eyes.

* * *

 

Vic pushed the door open and Robert couldn’t fight the relief he felt by seeing a familiar face. Vic, his sister, he knew Vic, he could cope with that, rather than being poked and prodded like a lab rat. She gave him a careful hug, mindful of his injuries.

“How are you?” Vic asked.

“I feel okay,” Robert said honestly. “Confused though. Where’s Chrissie?”

“I er…” Vic went pale and Robert frowned at her. There wasn’t any time before the doctor came in, and now that Robert had someone he recognised, started asking questions again. Robert felt tired. He knew enough to know that he was missing something obvious. Vic’s wide worried eyes told him that, even if the doctors repetitive questions hadn’t tipped him off.

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?!” Robert asked, angry and irritated. “I’ve got a headache.”

“Okay, Robert,” the doctor said. “It appears that you’re suffering from a gap in your memory.”

“What, like amnesia?”

“Yes,” he said. “We don’t like to call it that, but yes.”

“How much have I lost?”

“About five years,” Vic said with a sniff. “You still think you’re with Chrissie.”

“… I’m not?” Robert asked, his voice childlike and small. “What year is it?”

“2019,” Vic said. Robert’s eyes darted with panic.

“Is this… loss of memory, is it permanent?” Robert asked, starting to hyperventilate.

“We don’t know,” the doctor said. “Easy, calm down. Breathe in and out slowly for me.” Robert listened, trying to calm himself down. “You’re reacting well to stimulus, so your brain is functioning properly. It’s likely some of the gaps in your memory will come back.”

“How much am I missing?” Robert asked, looking at Vic at the same time she asked “Some will come back?”

“Come on Vic, tell me what I’ve forgotten.”

“You’ve got a son,” Vic said with a small smile. “Seb. Sebastian.”

“God, really?” Robert asked. “I bet I’m a terrible parent.”

“No, you’re not,” Vic said. “He’s outside with Aaron.”

“Who’s Aaron?” Robert asked.

“God, this is going to be difficult,” Vic said. “I don’t know what to tell you Rob. I really don’t.”

“Take it slowly,” Doctor Johnson advised.

* * *

 

Doctor Johnson smiled at Aaron with Seb waiting outside, while Vic and Robert were alone. “What’s the verdict?” Aaron asked.

“It looks like Robert’s lost five years of his life. He’s got all his faculties, he can remember how to do basic tasks, he seems otherwise completely aware, but there’s a hole in his memory.”

“I can’t cope with this,” Aaron said. “He doesn’t even remember me. We’re married, and he still thinks he’s engaged to Chrissie? She’s dead. He doesn’t remember his son? He’s eighteen months old, what am I supposed to do?!”

“I understand this is difficult…”

“Difficult?!” Aaron snapped. “I’ve got to tell my husband that he likes men, and when he admitted that openly, the world didn’t end. I have to tell him about his kid, when in his head he’s happily engaged to someone he’s been divorced from for three years? I can’t…”

“You don’t have to tell him everything all at once,” the doctor said. “We’d advise you not to do that, actually. If you tell someone suffering from this kind of memory loss everything, it’s harder for them to differentiate between real memories and stories they’ve been told. When they’re trying to get their memory back.” Aaron frowned, not following that at all. “If you tell someone often enough that they have a red phone, soon enough they’ll see it even if they’ve got no memory of it.”

“Right,” Aaron said. “So… you want me to not tell Robert anything?”

“Clearly the things he needs to know,” the doctor said, nodding at Seb. “But it’s going to be overwhelming for him, so don’t crowd him with information that might be… hard for him to accept.”

“That… you’ve no idea of our history, that is going to be a hell of a balancing act,” Aaron said. “There are things… how can he not know me?” Aaron’s voice cracked. He didn't go to see Robert until he had himself fully under control again. Bursting into tears again wouldn't help anyone.

* * *

 

Aaron came in with Seb, and Robert looked blank. No love, no want, no trust, nothing. Just empty. Then his eyes settled on Seb with shock.

“Hi,” Aaron said.

“I’ll go…” Vic said, giving them some time which Aaron appreciated. Aaron sat next to Robert who couldn’t look away.

“Dada!” Seb squealed, arms open for Robert. Robert looked at Aaron warily, then took the baby, his hands feeling unpractised as well as trying to accommodate Robert’s recent abdominal surgery.

“Okay…” Robert said slowly. “This is… Seb then?”

“You remember his name?” Aaron asked.

“Vic told me,” Robert said. “He clearly knows me though.” Seb put his small hand against Robert’s face.

“Gah!”

“I’m sorry…” Robert said to Aaron. “I don’t know who you are.”

Even though he’d been expecting it, that hurt. “I’m Aaron,” he said quietly. “I um… I’m just going to have to come out and tell you this. We… me and you are married.”

The silence in Robert’s hospital room was absolute. Then he frowned and shook his head. “No. You’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong, Robert,” Aaron said. “Look at your hand, we’ve got matching wedding rings.” Robert looked, then curled his hand into a fist for a second, making the ring stand out prominently. 

“That makes no sense,” he said. “We can’t be married, I’m not gay!”

“Don’t shout, you’ll upset him,” Aaron said, looking at Seb. “No, you’re not gay, you’re bisexual.”

Robert seemed to consider that, then shook his head. “No. This can’t be happening. What happened to Chrissie?”

Aaron considered how to put it. “Okay, the short version is that you moved back to Emmerdale with Chrissie and Lawrence,” Aaron said. “You met me, and after a few weeks we started an affair.” Robert looked him up and down, and Aaron realised Robert was seeing if he was physically attractive enough that that story held weight. Aaron definitely felt like he was being judged here, and he didn’t like it one little bit.

“Well… sounds like me,” Robert said quietly and Aaron rolled his eyes at passing the test. “Marrying you… that doesn’t sound like me.”

“It’s a long story,” Aaron said. “I’m not meant to drown you with information.”

“A lots happened in five years,” Robert said, accepting for the moment that he didn’t know everything. Aaron wondered if he was tired from the surgery, or if it was just too much, because giving up wasn’t the Robert he knew. “Who’s his mum?” Robert said. “I had to ask.”

“Rebecca,” Aaron said levelly. Robert might have a gap in his memory, but he was still sharp, and he cottoned on quickly to what that meant and he rolled his head into the pillow.

“God, I really am such a fu…” He stopped because little ears were listening.

“It’s fine,” Aaron said. “It really is.”

“Was I with you… at the time?”

“Well…” 

“Great,” he said dully.

“It’s complicated,” Aaron said. “Not sure I can stomach the whole sad story, and I’m not the one who’s had brain surgery. We’ve got him,” he said, ruffling Seb’s hair which made the boy grin at him. "That's what matters."

“But…”

“Robert, we’ll go into it when you’re stronger,” Aaron said. Robert closed his eyes and nodded. That would have to do for now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last update before my holiday!! I wanted to get this up before I go. Thank you to those who are reading, it means so much to me that you're enjoying this!

Aaron made sure the baby monitor was on as he put Seb to bed, then went down the stairs to see Liv, wide eyed and waiting on the sofa. “Well?”

“I’m so tired,” Aaron said. “Robert… Physically he’s fine. He won’t be running marathons anytime soon, but his wounds have been fixed by the surgeons. Something hit his head in the car crash, and his brain was bleeding. The doctors fixed that, but a side effect is that he’s got amnesia, and he cannot remember anything from about five years ago. When he moved to the village? It’s all blank. He still thinks it’s 2014.” Aaron spoke in a rush, the words pouring out of him.

Liv frowned. “Are you kidding?”

“It’s not very funny from where I’m sitting.” Aaron collapsed into the sofa, rubbing his face. “Even if it was a joke and he wanted rid of me or something… Seb. He didn’t recognise him. Had no knowledge that that little boy is his. It was horrible. Seb calling out for his dad, and Robert’s completely blank face.”

“Robert… didn’t ignore him?” Liv asked.

“No,” Aaron said. “But he didn’t know him either. He asked what my name was. He… there is nothing there from our life together, he thinks he’s with Chrissie.”

“Oh, my God!” Liv said. “That’s… insane. He has so much that he’s missed!”

“I know,” Aaron said. “I can’t even begin to explain some of this to him. We’ve got another baby on the way too. I haven’t even touched on that!”

“How was he when you left?” Liv asked.

“They’d taken him for a MRI scan,” Aaron said. “Then they said he’d need rest and I had to get Seb to sleep, so I just said I’d come back tomorrow.”

“Can I come in to see him tomorrow?” Liv asked.

“He won’t know you,” Aaron said hollowly.

“Maybe I’m memorable enough to bring him to his senses,” Liv teased.

“You’re meant to be at college.”

“Come on,” Liv said. “He’s my brother.”

“All right,” Aaron said. “I’ll leave Seb with Vic, though. I think we’re going to have… some uncomfortable conversations tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Aaron asked. “In Robert’s mind, he’s straight, engaged to a woman who’s dead and is childless. It’s a lot to wrap your mind around.”

“Point taken,” Liv said. “How are you with that?”

“Seeing Robert look at me and just… see through me…” Aaron said. “I never thought he’d ever look at me that way. I’m a stranger to him, and it hurts. I know it’s not his fault, but it hurts.”

“He could remember?” Liv suggested.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, though he doubted it. That confused look on Robert’s face when he’d seen Aaron didn’t give him any confidence.

* * *

He hadn’t spent long talking to Liv. He’d made her some dinner quickly, tidied up the abandoned champagne from the celebration that Robert had never made it home for, then called Chas with an update. He may or may not have cried on that phone call feeling sorry for himself. He may be married and soon to be a new father, but on this occasion he really felt like he needed his mother.

After that, he went to bed. So bone tired that he needed sleep and he drifted off very quickly, exhausted and emotionally done in. At two in the morning, he woke up, missing Robert. He reached across the empty expanse of the mattress, then remembered. Cold sheets, and Aaron pressed his face into Robert’s pillow. He could smell him, the faint scent of his husband clinging to the bed, and Aaron let out a quiet sob. How long would it be until he got this again? To share his bed with Robert, to laugh, to just enjoy being married. Not the closed off, closeted man currently in hospital who knew Aaron only as a stranger. A stranger. Robert, the love of his life, knew him as nothing more than any acquaintance he could meet on the street.

The only distraction from his misery was the fact that Seb was gearing up for a cry from his room. Aaron quickly got up and picked the boy up, rocking him in his arms. “Hey, hey,” Aaron soothed. “I know how you feel. Missing daddy? Huh?” he rubbed a hand down Seb’s back, the loud crying changing to a little snuffling, Seb burying his head in Aaron’s neck. “Daddy’s still here, okay? But in the meantime you’ve got to make do with me, okay? I know it’s a poor trade, but it’s the best you’ve got. I feed you more sweets than daddy lets you get away with, right?” Aaron kept soothing him long after Seb had fallen asleep, more to calm himself than anything else. Life seemed simpler somehow when holding a baby.

* * *

“Morning Robert,” Doctor Johnson said, annoyingly cheerful. “Anything new?”

“Yeah, hospital breakfast is shit,” Robert said.

“I meant your memory,” the doctor said, checking his statistics on the machines Robert was hooked up to.

“No,” Robert said. “Still as blank over the last five years as I was yesterday.”

“Mm,” Doctor Johnson said. “Well… if it wasn’t for your memory, I’d be happy discharging you today. On strict bed rest, mind, and taking the prescribed medications. But the blunt force trauma? You‘re recovering amazingly well from that… do you have someone to take care of you?”

“I have no idea,” Robert said. He wanted to say yes, he hated hospitals and had seen far too much of them over the years. Risky teenage years and generally being a cocky shit people liked to punch had that effect. But he didn’t know if he had anyone to take care of him. Aaron was supposedly married to him, but was it… he had no idea how Aaron felt about him.

“Yeah, he does.” They turned to see Aaron at the doorway, and he smiled at Robert. “Course he does.”

“Robert’s condition is going to be difficult to manage,” the doctor warned.

Aaron took Robert’s hand and squeezed, Robert letting him. “Is it permanent?” Aaron asked, which made the doctor take his glasses off. Robert and Aaron shared a look. Nothing good, then.

“Scans show there’s no physical problem with your brain.”

“Isn’t that good?” Aaron asked.

“It means there’s no explanation for why five years of your life are missing,” he said. “Which means…”

“I’m not going to get it back, am I?” Robert asked.

“It’s likely that… with time, and therapy, you could get some of it back… but your full memory? We don’t think that’s going to happen.” Robert leaned back on the pillows, looking at the ceiling. “We’re recommending you a therapist, and we heavily advise you go to those appointments. Don’t dodge them.”

“He won’t,” Aaron said firmly.

“You’re not the boss of me,” Robert said.

“Only because you never let me get a word in edgeways,” Aaron said, smiling, and for half a second everything was normal.

“It’s going to take a few hours for us to discharge you,” the doctor said. “We need prescriptions, and I’m not happy letting you go without further treatment for your memory loss.”

“Fine,” Robert said. “Get me out of here.”

“Will do,” the doctor said. He left, leaving Aaron and Robert alone.

“You don’t have to take care of me,” Robert said, shrugging. “I’m fine on my own. Or Vic, she’ll put up with me. She’ll have to.”

“No,” Aaron said. “The Mill’s your home, our home. You’re not going to kip on Vic’s sofa, your stomach couldn’t cope with it anyway.”

“It feels wrong,” Robert said. “I don’t know you.” Aaron blanched. “I know that sounds bad.”

“It does,” Aaron said, and Robert looked away. “I’m not going to lie to you, I understand that you have no memory of me, but it still hurts.”

“I know,” Robert said. “Look… I’m not… into men. I don’t know what‘s happened here, I’m not…”

“Robert, it’s okay,” Aaron said calmly, trying to be patient. “You are, and you accepted it. I understand that this is not what you expected, but it’s okay.”

“I’m not,” Robert said stubbornly.

“I’m not the first man you’ve slept with,” Aaron said, and he saw enough on Roberts face to know that he knew that.

“I want to talk to Chrissie,” Robert said and Aaron’s heart sank. “I know I’m with you, but I just… I need to know what went wrong between us and she might… help.”

“You can’t,” Aaron said.

“I can if I want to,” Robert said stubbornly.

“No, you can’t,” Aaron said. “She’s dead.” Robert flinched. “I’m sorry, she’s not here," he added more softly.

“How?” Robert asked after a moment absorbing that information.

“A car crash,” Aaron said. “It was an accident.” There was no way in hell Aaron was going into the entire Lachlan situation right now.

“She’s gone?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I’m sorry.” Robert nodded, eyes distant.

“Sorry,” Robert said. “It’s a lot of new information right now.”

“I know,” Aaron said. Robert took his hand and didn't let go, searching for comfort. Even under the circumstances, that made Aaron very happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient!! Hopefully it won't have too much of a long gap in updating from now on. Snooker was amazing!! 
> 
> Now back to Robert's loss of memory....

“Someone’s here who wants to see you. Meet you, I guess,” Aaron said. “My little sister.”

“She lives with you?” Robert asked.

“Us, yeah,” Aaron said.

“Right, us,” Robert repeated. “This is strange.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I can imagine. She’s waiting outside, can I…” Robert nodded. Aaron opened the door, and this blonde short teenager came in. Robert looked at her, wishing for a flash of recognition, a sign, a something. But no. This girl could have been anyone.

“Liv,” she said, seeing the problem.

“Hi,” Robert said blankly.

“You really don’t remember me?” Liov asked. “I thought I’d made a more lasting impression than that.”

“Sorry,” Robert said. “Nothing personal.”

Liv shrugged and Robert could see a sort of sullen family resemblance between Aaron and this Liv. The way they held themselves maybe, or how they shrugged, he couldn’t quite place it. It didn’t surprise him that they were related.

“This is so weird,” Liv said. “You really don’t remember us?”

“Nope,” Robert said. “It’s not intentional, it frustrates me more than it does you, trust me.”

“This could be fun when we get back home,” Liv said, her eyes glinting with mischief. “Could really wind you up.”

“Liv,” Aaron chastised. She grinned, and Robert smiled at her. He found himself liking her, at least as a first impression. A nurse came in, checking Robert’s vitals and Aaron went cold.

“His watch,” Aaron said suddenly, seeing Robert’s bare wrist. “Where’s his watch?!” he asked desperately.

“It doesn’t matter, I can get another watch,” Robert said, not understanding.

“No, you can’t!” Aaron shouted. “Where is his watch?!”

“Calm down,” a nurse said. “We had to cut him out of his clothes when he arrived, it’ll probably be in there with his personal effects. We were more concerned with stopping the bleeding at the time.

Aaron nodded, but he didn’t feel comfortable until the nurse came back with Robert's possessions. He saw the strap of the watch, wrapped in a plastic bag of personal effects, along with the clothes he recognised from saying goodbye to Robert a few days ago. It felt like such a long time ago now. When he had it in his hands, he saw the broken glass on the watch face, and he let out a shuddering sigh. “I’ll get it fixed,” Aaron promised as Liv excused herself and finding the exit as soon as she could.

“It doesn’t matter,” Robert said indifferently.

“It DOES matter!” Aaron snapped. “Of course it matters!!” Robert drew back, slightly alarmed that this was the man he was going home with. “It’s important.” He turned the watch over, and Robert saw two inscribed dates. 5th October 2018, and 21st February 2017. Those dates meant nothing to Robert, some time in the distant future, but… no. That had happened, and the dates meant something to Aaron, that was clear. He clutched the watch like it was so special and important to him.

“It’s… our wedding dates,” Aaron said. “You’ve never not worn that watch since I gave it to you.”

“Why’ve we got two?”

“You couldn’t resist me,” Aaron teased. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, and Robert sighed.

“There’s a lot I don’t know,” Robert said. “Isn’t there?”

“A lot happens in five years,” Aaron said. “I’ll have the watch repaired.” Robert knew this was far more important to Aaron than himself, so he just let him do it without saying anything.

* * *

“Here’s your prescription,” the doctor said. “I want you back in ten days to look at your abdominal wound from the surgery, and here’s your first appointment with the recommended therapist, to try and deal with your amnesia. Help you recover what you can.”

“Will I get it back?” Robert knew he’d asked before, but having no memory of the people around him, his family… it felt wrong.

“Some,” the doctor said. “Don’t force it, your brain needs time to heal.”

“Thank you,” Robert said.

“If you sign your discharge papers, you can go,” the doctor said. Robert happily signed them, hesitating only on the date, which he filled in with Aaron’s help. The doctor left, leaving Robert and Aaron alone.

“I’m er… a bit anxious,” Robert said. “I’m going home with you and I don’t know where that is. You seem… nice enough, but I don’t know you.”

“We were happy,” Aaron said quietly. “Really happy. If you don’t trust me, I can call Vic. If I need a chaperone.” Aaron could not have rolled his eyes more and Robert smiled, in spite of himself.

“Maybe I’m an idiot, but I trust you,” Robert said. Aaron smiled a beautiful smile and Robert’s heart lurched. Yeah, for a few seconds Robert could see what he saw in Aaron. He looked gorgeous when he smiled, and his killer blue eyes? Mm, if Robert went for men, which he absolutely didn’t, Aaron would be a good choice.

“Do you need help getting dressed?” Aaron asked. He’d brought a change of clothes from home, but Robert didn’t want to undress with Aaron present. Even if he hadn’t said it, Aaron could tell. “I’ll wait outside,” he said lowly.

“I’m sorry.” Robert had no idea what he was apologising for, but he felt like he needed to.

“It’s fine,” Aaron said. The pain in his eyes wasn’t fine, though. Robert could tell.

* * *

 

Aaron drove them home, Robert being slightly wary before getting in the car. The last time he‘d got in a car, he‘d had an accident that had wiped his memory, which didn‘t make him keen to repeat the experience. But then… he didn’t remember the crash, so as soon as Aaron started driving, Robert was able to let go of his anxiousness.

“We’re making a stop before we get home,” Aaron said. “I’m picking up Seb from Vics, then we’ll go to the Mill.”

“Okay,” Robert said blankly. He looked out the window, watching the countryside go by. They didn’t talk, things becoming more and more familiar the closer to Emmerdale they got.

“You’re nervous.”

“I don’t know what’s waiting for me at… home,” Robert said, hesitant.

"Things are good,” Aaron said. “I know it’s confusing for you, I can’t even imagine it.” Robert shrugged but didn’t say anything, until Aaron parked outside Victoria’s. “I’ll be quick.” Aaron didn’t even get out of the car before Vic was at her front door, Seb in her arms and smiling at Robert.

“How are you?” Vic asked Robert through the car window as Aaron gathered Sebs things, chucking them into the car.

“I have no idea,” Robert said. “I’m in one piece though. More or less.”

"Call," Vic said. "If you need me, or want to talk. Anything." Robert nodded, grateful, and Vic smiled at him. A face he knew felt incredibly good.

“Da!” Seb interjected. Robert smiled at the boy, feeling so guilty that he didn’t recognise him. How could he not recognise his own son? Aaron was so at ease with Seb, strapping him in to his car seat, Seb babbling away to himself.

It only took a couple of minutes to go down the drive to Aaron’s… well… _their_ house. Robert wanted to pick Seb up and asked Aaron if he could.

“Course,” Aaron said, frowning like not understanding why he had to ask. Robert shifted the boy in his arms, trying to avoid his stomach. Seb felt heavy and very solid in his arms, bright eyed and happy enough. Robert wanted to drink him in. If he didn’t get his memory back, how much had he missed?

“How old is he?” Robert asked as Aaron found the house keys.

“Oh,” Aaron said, realising Robert wouldn’t know. “Eighteen months.”

“Is he a good baby?” Robert asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “No trouble. I’m sure he will be when he’s a teenager though, he’s going to take after you.” Robert smiled a little, but didn’t stop looking at the baby. Now some of the shock of his condition had worn off, he just wanted to keep staring at Seb.

“Come on, lets get inside,” Aaron said. Robert followed as Aaron went into the Mill, seeing a pretty much open plan living room and kitchen downstairs, a beautiful spiral staircase, and Robert instinctively knew he had something to do with decorating the place. It somehow felt like him. Aaron chucked his keys on the kitchen table, switched the kettle on and kicked open Seb’s toybox all within a few moments of walking in. It was normal, easy, like he did this everyday. He probably did, Robert reminded himself.

“Put Seb down with his toys,” Aaron said. “When you’re ready,” he added a little softer, seeing Robert overwhelmed. “Has anything… do you remember…”

“The house? No,” Robert said. “It looks like me though. Did I decorate?”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “We both did but you had a lot of the input.” Robert breathed in the scent of Seb’s head before putting the wriggling boy next to his toys. “Do you want a brew?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Thanks.” He wandered around the house, seeing photos. Both him and Aaron in suits, cutting a cake. Must be their wedding day. Liv and a brunette teenager who must be a friend of hers. They were laughing. Aaron and an older woman. His mum? Vic, that one he knew. Vic and a man who looked like a boyfriend. Dark hair and an easy smile. An ultrasound on the fridge.

“Is this Seb?” Robert asked, looking at the black and white grainy picture, feeling weird that it hadn’t been replaced when the kid was currently playing in the living room.

“No,” Aaron said, twitching awkwardly.

“All right,” Robert said. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“I want you to remember,” Aaron said quietly and Robert’s flushed. “It’s mum. My mums having another baby. So I’m getting a little brother or sister.”

“Oh!” Robert said. “Right. Congratulations, I guess.” He smiled and Aaron smiled back. Robert did however notice that he took the ultrasound off the fridge. He might not have no memory, but he wasn’t stupid, and he knew that there was something Aaron wasn’t telling him. But he didn’t know the man, so pushing felt like something he wasn’t allowed to do.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is a long chapter (for me) so I'm not sure when I'll next update!! Thank you for the comments on this, it helps so so much!

“Right. You take our bedroom, I’ll sleep in the spare,” Aaron said. The spare that was supposed to be transformed into a baby’s nursery very soon, but needs must. He didn’t say that though. He didn’t want to tell Robert about the surrogacy, he wanted Robert to remember it. It’s why he’d hidden the ultrasound on the fridge, he didn’t want Robert asking more questions.   
It was a stupid thing to keep hidden, but it was their future, something they’d planned and plotted and hoped and cried over for months. Telling Robert now? He wouldn’t understand.

“This feels different,” Robert said. He could see signs of his presence here, there was a photo of him and Aaron in suits on the bedside table. Smiling and the happiness coming off them in waves. Robert couldn’t remember ever being that happy in his life. Clearly him and Aaron had something special. It wasn‘t the same suits as the wedding picture downstairs though. A thriller book resting there, bookmark slipped in. One of the photos framed on the wall… it was an artsy shot, should be nothing personal about it, but Robert knew better. It was a sunrise through the woodland, a professional photographer had taken it, but Robert remembered walking with his mother there, the Yorkshire countryside beautiful.

“That photo?” Robert asked Aaron, pointing at it.

“Yeah, that was your choice,” Aaron said.

“My mum took me there,” Robert said quietly. “I was young. She ended up carrying me because I got tired.”

“You’ve never told me that,” Aaron said softly. “If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have been such a git about having in in the bedroom.”

Robert smiled wistfully. “We normally… sleep together though?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “But you don’t know me.”

“No,” Robert said. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Aaron said. “I understand. If you need me, I‘m only two doors away.”

“I’m going to have coffee with Vic tomorrow,” Robert said. “You don’t mind?”

“No, of course not,” Aaron said. The awkwardness started creeping in, but Aaron cut it off as soon as he could. “Goodnight.”

* * *

 

Breakfast at the Mill was a hectic affair. Liv was getting ready to go to college, toast and coffee were flying everywhere, Seb was demanding food and Robert felt completely out of place. He could tell he should slot in to this arrangement but he didn’t know where to be, what to do.

“I’ve got to get to work,” Aaron said. “I’ve left Ellis at the scrap yard for long enough as it is. Can you look after Seb?” 

“Eh?” Robert asked, thrown.

“Seb, your son, can you look after him today?” A thousand reasons why he couldn’t filled Robert’s mind. He’d had brain surgery and was suffering from amnesia. He knew nothing about Seb’s routine and the kid was almost a stranger to him. He couldn’t carry a wriggling toddler very well, what with a car pummeling into his stomach. “You said you were seeing Vic,” Aaron said, softer. “She knows what to do with Seb, she’ll help if you’ve got a problem. My number’s in your new phone, under Aaron, or the scrap yard.” They’d had to get him a new phone, his old one had been crushed completely in the crash. The photos had been backed up, but Robert hadn’t felt brave enough to look at them yet. “If you don’t want to, I’ll take him with me.”

“No,” Robert said. “If I’ve got Vic to hold my hand, we’ll be fine.” Seb looked up at Robert from his high chair and Robert smiled at him.

* * *

 

He knocked on Vics door, and she opened it, smiling at him. “Hi, Rob,” she said, giving Seb a kiss on the top of his head. “Come in.”

Robert sat on Vic’s sofa as she made tea, trying to pretend the short journey over to Vic’s hadn’t tired him out. He felt useless, even though he’d just had surgery. He should be able to move more easily than this. Vic got out a bag of Seb’s toys, and the boy started wriggling in Robert’s arms to get to the floor. Robert put him down, probably couldn’t have held onto him much longer either.

“How are you?” Vic asked. “Really.”

“Confused,” Robert said. “And frustrated. I can see that I’ve been living in Aaron’s, but I’ve got no memory of it.”

“Aaron’s a good guy,” Vic said. “I cannot imagine what you’re thinking right now.”

“Does he love me?” Robert asked. Had to. “Or is he just looking after me out of a sense of guilt?"

“I’ve never seen two people love each other more,” Vic said. “He’s the love of your life.”

“It seems so… crazy. I’m engaged to Chrissie and… that’s the last thing I remember. This Aaron, I don’t know him. I can’t talk to him like that, because that sounds really bad, but I don’t. He could be anyone.”

“Aaron’s kind,” Vic said. “He hides it sometimes, but he’s a good man. He would do anything to protect his family, absolutely anything and you’re the top of his list.”

“I’m not gay, Vic,” Robert said, shaking his head. “I keep coming back to that, I’m just not.”

“No, you’re not,” Vic said. “You’re bisexual.” Robert didn’t reply to that. “Were there men before Aaron? Men you remember?”

“Yeah, a couple,” Robert said, shrugging uncomfortable. “It was just sex… but this is different, this is family, it’s a life that me and Aaron seem to have, it’s… love.”

“Yeah, it is,” Vic said. “Dad would have been okay with it.”

“Don’t,” Robert said quickly.

“He would have been,” Vic pushed.

“Oh, you always keep him on a pedestal,” Robert said. “You were too young when he died.”

“But I’m not an idiot,” Vic pushed. “Maybe when I was a kid I wouldn’t have understood, but I know he’d have found it hard to accept at first.”

“He knew,” Robert said, swallowing thickly, ignoring Vics wide eyes. “At least… some of it. I er… I don’t even know if you’d remember. You were six or seven? James came to work on the farm one harvest time. He worked for room and board, so dad wasn’t going to say no to that.”

“Redhead? Babysat me a couple of times?” Vic asked, searching her memory and Robert nodded shortly.

“I liked him,” Robert said, then tried to skate over the finer details. “Dad caught us. Sacked him, kicked him out and hit me a few times before sending me to Spain to learn my lesson. I know what he would have thought.”

“You’ve never told me that before,” Vic said, gripping his hand tightly. Robert shrugged. “He would have come around, because times change.”

“He’d have hated it,” Robert said firmly.

“Is that why you were so determined to keep Chrissie, whatever it took?” Vic asked.

“I don’t know,” Robert said. “Because I can’t remember what happened.” Vic hugged him, and he let her, even though it hurt his abdomen. It felt good to be reassured, to have comfort from someone he knew. On that subject…

“Where’s she buried?” Robert asked. “Chrissie,” he added to Vic’s blank look. “Aaron told me she’d died, was that…”

“No,” Vic said. “She is dead, but she’s not buried anywhere. She was cremated.”

“Oh,” Robert said. He didn’t know what that would have achieved anyway. It surprised Robert how little he actually missed her. The last thing he remembered was planning a life with her, a future, even with her odd son and irritating father. Now she wasn’t here, she hadn’t just left him, she was dead. Life had clearly moved on. Even if he believed Aaron was winding him up (he didn’t) Seb on the floor made it clear that life was different now. Seb knew him, he smiled when he saw him.

“Is Aaron the best place for me?” Robert asked her.

“Yes,” Vic said without hesitation. “I can’t tell you everything. Aaron’s told me not to, and I called the doctors to check, they agree with him. It’ll either swamp you with information, or make it difficult for you remembering anything. Or both.”

“I know that,” Robert said. “Doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I don’t even know how to look after him. I know why I‘m being kept in the dark about certain things, you can‘t fill in five years in five minutes, but… I‘m his dad and I can‘t care for him?”

Vic sighed. “Seb’s an easy baby. He’ll play with anything you give him. He hates peas. He’ll eat most of anything else. He’s not easy to put to sleep of a night, he likes Aaron to do it. He’s clever. Talks a little, but it’s mostly garbled at the moment. You’re Dada, Aaron’s Da. He can say yes and no. He understands most stuff and can follow a question. He’s sleeping through the night now. From what I understand, you wake up with him while Aaron sleeps an extra five minutes. When I pop over early, you’re up with Seb feeding him, while Aaron’s still in bed. Seb has a nap in the early afternoon most days. You like playing with his hands and fingers.”

Robert sighed with relief, taking in everything she‘d said, feeling reassured with every word. “Thank you.”

* * *

After he’d spent time with Vic, he felt more settled. He knew nothing of his life now, or next to nothing, but he felt better. The village was the same as it always had been, yet different. New faces, new cars. One familiar face in the street.

“Nicola!” Robert said, smiling at her.

“Oh,” she said. “Remember me then, do you?”

“Apparently,” Robert said.

“I must have been mind blowing if you remember me more than your husband!” Nicola teased, and Robert rolled his eyes. “How are you?” she added, more seriously.

“I have no idea,” Robert said, shifting Seb in his arms. He couldn’t keep the weight of the kid in one place for too long because it hurt. He also wasn’t wildly keen about putting Seb in the pram either, he liked keeping him close.

“Well, if you’re hoping for a rerun, I’m happily married,” Nicola said.

“Oh?”

“Jimmy. We both work with you, running the Haulage firm.” This was news to him. With one thing and another, it hadn’t occurred to him how he supported a family, what job he did.

“Am I any good at it?” Robert asked.

“Clients like you and your charm,” Nicola said. “You’re… not bad at balancing the books either.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back,” Robert said, suddenly panicking that that’s what she was after.

“Oh, I know,” she said. “I thought I could drop the accounts round yours at some point next week. See if you can do them, or if we need… help. If it’s too soon…”

“No,” Robert said. “That sounds good.” It did. He wanted to know if he was still capable, and doing some paperwork from home felt just about the easy start he wanted. “Give it a few days, though. Okay?”

“I can do that,” Nicola said with a smile. “It’s good to see you.” Robert smiled at her.

“Yeah,” Robert agreed. “You too.”

Robert went back to the Mill, using his keys clumsily, not used to the door. He managed to get Seb down for his nap within about fifteen minutes, and he felt like cheering at the success. He followed into sleep on the sofa about thirty seconds later.

* * *

 

Aaron had been far longer at the yard than he’d planned to be. Robert hadn’t called or text him, and he didn’t know if that was a good sign or a bad one. He hurried home, hoping that everyone was okay, that Robert was good.

He needn’t have worried. Opening the Mill’s front door, he found Liv’s books spread out on the kitchen table, Robert and Seb on the floor with his toy bricks. Robert was smiling, easy and carefree.

“Hi,” Aaron said, kicking his shoes off and getting on the floor with them both. “Has he been okay today?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, tickling Seb‘s foot which made him giggle.

“Have you been okay?” Aaron asked.

“I haven’t magically remembered everything,” Robert said. “Or anything at all. But yes, I’m okay. I had a good day with him. It‘s good to spend time with him.”

“I’m glad,” Aaron said. He was, even if he’d have preferred to have Robert’s memory back, to be able to touch and hold and kiss his husband without worrying that he was pushing Robert, or taking advantage. “I’ll cook dinner,” Aaron said.

“Thanks,” Robert said.

* * *

 

“I need help,” Robert said that night, going red as he sat on the edge of the bed. He hated admitting it, and Aaron knew it. Aaron had helped him up the stairs, Robert tired from the day,

“Okay,” Aaron said. “Help with what?”

“I can’t…” Robert swallowed. “Showering, changing the dressing, I just need a second pair of hands.”

“Okay,” Aaron said. Then it clicked as Robert still looked uncomfortable. “You don’t want me to see you naked," he realised hollowly.

“It’s not that,” Robert said. “It’s more… Look, I don’t remember you. The first time you’re going to see me naked, it’s when I can’t move properly to wash myself and can’t change my surgical dressing on my own? Hardly the picture of marital bliss.”

“Hey,” Aaron said, putting a hand to Robert's face. “I promised in sickness and in health. I don’t mind, I want to help, but if you’re uncomfortable…”

“I am,” Robert said. “I can’t help it, you’re fit.” Aaron smirked. “I don’t want you to see me as weak.”

“Never,” Aaron said. Robert squeezed his hand and Aaron made a quick decision. He took his shirt off, leaving him naked from the waist up. Robert saw what he was doing, pale scars against Aaron’s abdomen. Old and faded. A few were deep, the white lines standing out. “A few scars don’t bother me, Robert.”

“How?”

“I hurt myself,” Aaron said, being honest. “No. Not anymore,” he said before Robert could ask the question. “Not for a long time.” Robert held out a hand to touch him, then pulled back. “You can,” Aaron said. Robert ran his finger lightly across one of the deepest scars, and Aaron shivered. Robert hadn’t touched him in what felt like so long, and Aaron’s body ached for more of his touch.

“Painful?” Robert asked.

“No,” Aaron said surely. Robert looked at him and grinned. He might not have his memory, but he knew what effect he was having on Aaron. Robert pressed his palm flat against Aaron’s stomach and Aaron closed his eyes.

“I really do need that shower,” Robert said, dropping his hand. Aaron nodded towards the bathroom.

* * *

 

Awkward just about covered it. Aaron had seen Robert’s body so often, knew it as well as he knew his own, but Robert was unaware of that he seemed… if not self conscious, very aware of himself. Robert didn’t really do self consciousness. Not about his looks anyway. Aaron helped him take his T shirt off, lifting his arms pulled a bit at the surgical scar, and after a nod from Robert, he took the dressing off. Robert groaned quietly.

“Hurts?”

“Yes,” Robert said.

“Have you taken your painkillers?”

“Mm,” Robert said. Aaron knew he had, was keeping a close eye on his medication but he hated to see Robert in pain. Aaron moved past him to turn the shower on, warm it up.

“Do you want me in there with you?”

“No,” Robert said. “But… can you stay in the bathroom, just in case I slip or need you?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. Robert undid his belt, hands nervous. Aaron made sure he was looking directly at Robert’s face as they both helped him undress.

“Your shampoo is the red bottle,” Aaron said and Robert nodded, getting into the shower as quickly as he could. Aaron sat on the closed lid of the toilet, listening.

“I hate feeling helpless,” Robert said.

“I know,” Aaron replied.

“I should know you and it kills me that I don’t,” Robert said. Aaron just stayed silent, listening, having a fair idea that Robert found it easier to talk when they weren’t looking at each other. “Seb was wonderful today. I feel guilty for what I’ve missed. If I never get it back, I’ll never remember.”

“He’s a good kid,” Aaron said. “It’s the easiest for him, because he doesn’t know any different.”

Robert fell silent and all Aaron could hear was running water for a little bit. “Do you want to stay married to me?” Robert asked. “I was thinking it over today. If I don’t remember, if this is all I ever have… would you still want me?”

“Yes,” Aaron said before Robert had even finished. “Always. But if you don’t…” Aaron swallowed awkwardly. “If you want other options…”

“I don’t,” Robert said. “I want to get back to how things were, I don’t know how they were, that’s the problem. I want to try with you, not mess my life up because my brain doesn’t work.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do,” Aaron said. Robert pulled the shower door back, having finished and he looked completely drained of energy, the shower having taken it out of him. Aaron wrapped him in a large towel and held him, probably a bit closer than he should have. He grabbed another towel to dry Robert’s hair a bit, and Robert tried to get his breath back.

“God, there’s no hope for me if I can’t even shower without being exhausted.” Robert was frustrated, Aaron could see it and he pushed Robert’s shoulder so he sat down on the edge of the bath. “I feel so useless.”

“You’re not useless,” Aaron said. “You’ve just had surgery, you’re going to have problems.” The towel slipped to Roberts waist and Aaron looked at his healing stomach. “I’ll get a dressing for that.” Aaron was back in a couple of minutes during which all Robert had done was try to gather his energy.

“Can I…?” Aaron said, needing to ask before touching him and Robert nodded. Efficiently Aaron redressed his scar, Robert leaning his head on Aaron’s shoulder. He didn’t want to move. Knew he’d have to at some point, but he just wanted to stay right here and he felt safe with Aaron. Aaron wasn’t encouraging Robert to move either.

“I know you don’t remember me,” Aaron said quietly. “But I’m so glad you’re here. That you’re alive and that car crash didn’t take you from me.”

“Aaron.” He looked at Robert who had that look in his eyes. Soft, wanting, and Aaron internally sighed. He wanted to kiss Robert, this not touching him thing was killing him. He wanted to hold his husband, but he couldn’t do that and… Robert kissed him, making Aaron stop thinking. He looked at Robert in surprise.

“I wanted to,” Robert said, smiling a little before closing the gap and kissing Aaron again. This time, he reacted, reaching for him and trying to deepen the kiss. Robert’s hand cradled the back of Aaron’s head, and he groaned, trying to get himself closer to Robert, pressing his own chest against his. He wanted more, so much more. This was the longest they’d gone in their married life without properly touching.

Breathlessly, Robert turned away. “I wanted to know what kissing you was like,” he said. Aaron licked his lips, trying to keep the touch close.

“Do you need help getting in bed?”

“I’ll be okay,” Robert said. “Thanks. For this.” Aaron nodded. No words could describe how he felt anyway, so he didn’t even try.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments on the last chapter!! Inspired me to get this done far quicker than planned!

Aaron made it until Saturday morning before he fell into pieces. He’d taken Seb over to Rebecca’s early, wanting Robert and her not to talk for as long as possible. They had custody of Seb because of Rebecca’s brain injury, he could hardly mention that Robert had amnesia without getting a fight he wasn’t prepared for. Aaron had dropped Seb off before, it wasn’t unheard of and Rebecca didn’t care. Aaron also had a vague hope Robert would recover before she had to find out. He drove home, then picked Robert up for his therapists appointment, hopefully to help his memory. Robert went in for his session, leaving Aaron in the waiting room, looking around at all the cheery posters stuck up on the walls.

He started thinking about the situation they found themselves in, the hopelessness of it, and he started crying before he was even aware of it. Then sobbing. This wasn’t fair, all he wanted was his husband back. To know the history they shared, to know how good they were together.

Aaron was pushed into an empty side room before he was completely aware of what was happening, and within a few minutes, Robert was with him, holding him close, Aaron sobbing into his shirt.

“We’re meant to be here for you,” Aaron said, sniffing and thoroughly embarrassed.

“I was done anyway,” Robert said. Aaron looked at the clock on the wall and saw in shock that they’d been here for an hour. Aaron pulled back and wiped his face angrily.

“God, I’m a mess,” Aaron said. “Have you got an appointment for next week?”

“Yes,” Robert said, looking a little unsure of what to say or do.

“Let’s go home, then.”

* * *

 Robert looked wary the entire journey back to the village. “Did it help?” Aaron said, wanting to move away from his impromptu break down.

“It was good to talk,” Robert said. “We’re going to work on it. You might have to come in for some sessions, to see if I’m remembering stuff accurately.”

“Okay,” Aaron said. He understood that and he wanted Robert to remember, desperately. “Did you remember anything?”

“I um… Not really, but I wanted to ask you. Did Chrissie and I get married? I know we were engaged but I can’t focus on anything else beyond that.”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “You did.”

“When?” Robert asked. “When did we start having an affair?”

“Me and you started… December 2014. You married her in the February after.”

Robert paused, taking that in. “How did you take that?”

“It broke my heart,” Aaron said, looking at Robert for a moment before focusing back on the road.

“And… we got together after that?” Robert asked hesitantly.

“Well… yeah, you broke my heart, but you were also pretty good at putting it back together.” He flashed Robert a small smile, and Robert knew that was all he was getting right now.

“Why did I marry her?” Robert asked.

“I’m not in your head,” Aaron said. Robert kept waiting for more. “You were scared of losing her. The position, the money, being with a man publicly. I don’t know, Robert!” Aaron was impatient, Robert could tell, and he shut up.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said when they parked up. “I shouldn’t get frustrated with you, it’s not your fault.”

“It’s all right,” Robert said.

“No, it’s not,” Aaron said. “It’s been a lot this week.”

“Yeah,” Robert said tiredly.

“I shouldn’t snap at you.” He reached across the car and squeezed Robert’s thigh reassuringly. Robert gave him a smile. “I thought we could have dinner tonight in the pub,” Aaron said.

“Right,” Robert said.

“You can’t hide away forever, and we basically get it on the cheap because my mum owns it.”

“Okay,” Robert said after a moment. “Hang on, what about Diane?”

“She used to own the pub,” Aaron said. “She sold up to Charity, a cousin of mine. She’s fine,” he added to Robert’s alarm. Robert hadn’t mentioned Diane yet, and it was obvious that oversight was worrying him. “Diane’s on a cruise at the moment. She wanted to cut it short and come home, but Vic and I told her not to. You hadn’t asked about her, and we didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

“It wasn’t that I was ignoring her,” Robert said. “I hadn’t thought of her because… in my head I hadn’t seen her in years. I’m not used to living here. Home, I mean.”

“I know,” Aaron said, squeezing his hand. He had worked out that was the reason Robert wasn’t overly concerned with his family, but it was good to have it confirmed.

“What about Andy?” Robert asked. “Is he still around? Surely he’d only leave Yorkshire in a wooden box.”

“He’s not here,” Aaron said. “He’s fine, he’s safe, but he had to leave the village.”

“Why?” Robert asked and Aaron hesitated. Robert didn’t back down, he wanted to know.

“Andy was framed for attempted murder,” Aaron said. “He didn’t do it, not clever enough to manage it anyway.” Robert smiled at that, catching Aaron’s eye. “You got him out of the country so he’d be safe.”

“That sounds… selfless and not like me,” Robert said.

“I’m never going to understand your relationship with your brother,” Aaron said. “So I don’t know how much help I’m going to be explaining Andy. You parted on good terms though. Diane will be home next week.”

“Right,” Robert said distantly. “Don’t expect me to recognise anyone at the pub tonight.”

“I won’t,” Aaron said. “We’ll take Liv, she can talk if things get awkward.”

“Okay,” Robert said again. “How was Seb when you dropped him off?”

“Fine,” Aaron said. “He’s always pleased to see his mum.”

“Why’ve we got custody?”

“That’s… complicated,” Aaron said. “It’ll take a long time to explain.”

“Forget it then,” Robert said easily. Aaron nodded, grateful. It had been a lot today already.

* * *

Robert felt unaccountably nervous going towards the pub. He hadn’t been here in years, he wouldn’t recognise many people at all, but they all knew him. Then there was the slightly thorny issue of going out for dinner with a man. He’d never done this before, not so publicly, in a place he was well know.  _You probably do it every week_ , Robert told himself.  _You just don’t remember._

He looked around the pub as they went in, the hubbub reassuring as Aaron led them to a table, tucked out of the way. Their table? Robert didn’t know.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you up and about!” Robert looked at a strange woman who hugged him and blinked when she let him go.

“Don’t crowd him, mum,” Aaron said.

Oh. Aaron’s mum. Chas. Right. She was smiling at him, so he guessed he hadn’t completely offended his mother-in-law. 

“Robert, this is Chas,” Aaron said, and he nodded at her friendly smile.

“The usual?” Chas asked.

“No,” Aaron said. “He can’t have alcohol with his painkillers.” Robert let Aaron order for the three of them. He didn’t really care what he ate, he was trying to take in the unfamiliar faces. Eric Pollard sat in the corner reading his paper, and even though he was completely innocuous, Robert felt reassured that some things never changed.

* * *

He had found the day very tiring, even if he hadn’t actually done much. Finding out bits and pieces about Andy and Diane, and meeting Aaron’s mum along with a few strangers in the pub he was clearly supposed to know, on top of a meeting with his therapist. Rosie, she said she liked being on a first name basis.

“I need a shower,” Robert said when they got in to the Mill, asking for Aaron‘s help without saying it.

“Okay,” Aaron said, smiling as they both went upstairs. This time when they both helped to undress Robert, it was less awkward. Aaron took the dressing off and Robert sighed. Last time Aaron had tried to touch him as little as possible, to make Robert feel as comfortable as he possibly could. This time he couldn’t resist a hand sliding down Robert’s side, thumb stroking his warm skin.

“Sorry,” Aaron muttered, dropping his hand. “Shouldn’t have.”

“It’s all right,” Robert said.

“Can I have a look at your head?” Aaron asked and Robert nodded. Aaron wanted to see how it looked, even though Robert tended to style his hair so no one could see the small shaved spot from the surgery. He was tall enough that it didn’t matter anyway. Aaron looked at it critically, Robert tilting his head forward so he could see. Very small, Robert’s hair already starting to grow through as well.

“Still broken?” Robert asked.

“It looks good,” Aaron said.

“I meant my brain,” Robert said.

“Your brain's not broken,” Aaron said. “Just… missing a bit.”

“You want to touch me, don’t you?” Robert said, having read Aaron well.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t think you were gorgeous.” He wouldn’t normally have given Robert’s ego a boost like this, but it had been a trying week. Robert smiled at him anyway, and that was worth it.

When Robert was in the shower, Aaron spoke. “I’m sorry for having a bit of a meltdown this morning. You’re the one going through it, not me.”

“Don’t,” Robert said. “This isn’t easy for you either.”

“No,” Aaron said. "It isn't."

“Rosie said… that some memories I get back, they’re likely to be unpleasant ones first. Something like they make a deeper impression. It’s not going to be nice.” A hint of a question there.

“No,” Aaron said. “But then… if you condense five years worth of anyone’s life, there’s going to be unpleasant stuff in there.” Aaron wondered if he should warn him about stuff, but then shook his head. Half truths were going to be worse, and there were probably one or two events over the last few years Aaron wouldn’t mind if they were lost for good. “What did you think of my mum?”

“Owns a pub, can’t be too bad,” Robert said, making Aaron smile. “She seemed nice, normal.” He didn’t have anything more to say on that, he and Chas hadn’t really got into anything more than the pleasantries. “Does she like me?”

“She thinks you’ll do,” Aaron said. "She's all right, my mum." Robert turned the shower off and opened the shower door, feeling slightly less tired today. Aaron redressed the wound on his stomach. Neither knew who initiated it but they kissed, a very soft light touch of lips. Far less passionate than the last time.

“Goodnight,” Aaron said.

“Night,” Robert replied. From that point on, Robert’s shower became something they’d do together, even when technically Robert didn’t need the help physically. In some ways it was easier to speak that way, no demands from work or Liv or Seb or a phone ringing. They could spend five minutes or so talking about them with no pressure or expectations, no loaded glances and they both needed that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I’m going to say I’m completely inventing medical details to suit my purpose. I don’t expect how Robert’s memories return is anything like anyone in reality. But it works the best for this, so I’m going with it. Getting hung up on the “how” he remembers is stopping me writing this.
> 
> Thank you for being patient, and I know this chapter took ages! I had to scrap it twice and start again. That said, enjoy!

“If you don’t think you can handle it, just say,” Nicola said, dumping a load of folders on the kitchen table in the Mill.

“I’ll give it a go,” Robert said easily. It’d be good to do some accounts rather than focusing on his missing memories. Seb was busy occupying himself on the floor with his toys. 

“Huh. A woman’s not allowed to take her kids to work,” Nicola said with raised eyebrow. Robert instinctively knew she was joking, but was stung anyway.

“If you forget your kids entire lives, I think you’d get a free pass,” Robert said.

“Do you not remember him?” Nicola said, this time more quietly.

“No,” Robert said guiltily. “Nothing up until the moment I woke up in hospital.”

“It’s not your fault,” Nicola said, both of them looking at Seb. “At least he’s young enough that he won’t know. Even if you don’t get your memories back, you can build new ones.”

“How many kids have you got?” Robert asked.

“Three. Kind of. Well… Jimmy’s got three and they’re… mine. Angel, Elliot and Carl.”

“That sounds… busy,” Robert said with a smile.

“Never one moments peace,” she said. “If you can’t handle the accounts….”

“I’ll tell you,” Robert said. “Thanks for giving me a shot.”

“See how it goes.” Nicola gave him a smile before leaving the Mill, giving Seb a little wave on her way out.

It was with immense relief that Robert realised he could still do the books for the Haulage firm. It probably took him a bit longer than it would have under normal circumstances, but he was being productive. It felt good.

* * *

When Aaron came home from work, he could tell Robert had had a good day.

“I can still do the paperwork,” Robert said. “I feel useful again. Also watching Seb walk never gets old.”

Aaron silently put the painkillers and a glass of water by Robert, and he rolled his eyes. “You haven’t taken them, have you?”

“No,” Robert said. “Didn’t remember until now.” He’d only stopped work to get Seb his lunch before becoming absorbed in the files again. His abdomen was pulsing with his heartbeat and it hurt more than he’d admit to. “Will you come with me to the therapists tomorrow?”

“I’ve already arranged for Ellis to cover,” Aaron said. “Oh. You meant… go in with you, for your appointment?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Having this gap, I don’t know…. I feel so uncertain of everything.”

“I will,” Aaron said. “Of course I will. There are probably going to be things you don’t like when you start to remember.”

Robert appreciated that he said when, rather than if. He needed to believe he’d recover his memories, know who he was, what had changed him in the past five years.

* * *

They were the first appointment of the day, and Aaron nodded at the therapist as they went in to see her. “Rosie,” she said, shaking his hand. “You must be Aaron.”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling at Robert for half a moment.

“So, what are we doing today?” Robert said, wanting to get on with it.

“Hypnotherapy.” Aaron snorted with disbelief, and she smiled obligingly. “Yes I know. It might sound a bit out there, and there’s a chance it won’t work, but there’s been some success with it with cases like Robert's.

“Worth a shot,” Robert said, shrugging. “I’ll try anything to get it back.”

“It happens occasionally that you’re focusing so hard on trying to get your memories back, that letting your mind drift sometimes helps.”

She dimmed the lights and was talking about nonsense, trying to get Robert to relax, Aaron could tell. Seb was an easy subject to talk about, Robert newly enamoured with the things he could do and the look on his face when the boy was concentrating or happy.

Robert wasn’t asleep, not exactly, but he had his eyes closed and was unfocused on much of anything. Rosie asked some questions. Useless, boring questions. Favourite food, favourite childhood memories, stuff he knew.

“There’s a car,” Robert said quietly. Aaron’s sitting almost on the side lines and Robert’s got his eyes closed, trying to remember. Aaron had no idea if this was going to be successful or not. “The front’s caved in.”

“Who’s in the car?” Rosie asked.

“Chrissie,” Robert said, keeping his eyes firmly shut. “She’s bleeding from her head and she can’t get out.” Robert swallowed and the therapist looked at Aaron who nodded. He knew this must be when Chrissie had died. Robert didn’t speak of it much, but Aaron knew he was there and had been with her when she’d gone. It wasn’t a subject they went over much, being honest.

“She’s dying, right in front of me,” Robert said, breathing heavily as he opened his eyes, searching for Aaron’s face. “Is that real?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “You weren’t together at the time, but you were with her when she died.”

“I can see her face,” Robert said. “It’s horrible.” Aaron squeezed his hand tightly.

“But you remembered,” Aaron said. “You remembered, that’s something, surely.”

Robert nodded, but it was clear it had shook him. “When was that?”

“January 2018,” Aaron said, after Rosie gave him a nod, allowing him to confirm that.

Robert was obviously disturbed by those images, and Rosie decided that was enough for today.

* * *

 

Robert was distant and unfocused for the rest of the day, dwelling on the one thing he’d managed to pull out of the fog of his brain. Not a happy image, not much of anything. Just Chrissie dying on a loop in his mind. 

Aaron would have liked to be a better man, for it to not bother him. That the first memory Robert recovered had absolutely nothing to do with him, but he had a little bit of pride, and it did upset him. He couldn’t even tell Robert that, he wanted his Robert back, and remembering bits with Chrissie would be a part of the recovery. So how could Aaron say he was upset that one lonely memory had come back?

“You’re quiet,” Robert noticed when Aaron had finished eating their dinner. Liv was over Gabby’s and Seb was happily asleep upstairs, baby monitor on.

“Yeah,” Aaron said, sitting on the sofa next to him, feet up.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said.

“For what?”

“Remembering Chrissie before you,” Robert said. Aaron flinched, pretty much confirming Roberts suspicions.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to you,” Robert said. “I know we’re… married,” he said. “But she’s the last one I do remember before this… gap. I was told focusing on her might help, because it‘s something to grip hold of. It’s not a reflection on you.”

“I know that,” Aaron said. “It still hurts, I’m not going to lie to you.”

Robert reached for him and squeezed his thigh once. “I feel guilty. For not remembering, then the little I do… it’s not of you.”

“Don’t,” Aaron said. “It’s my problem, not yours. We both want you to remember.”

“Come to bed with me.” Aaron swung his head around to look at Robert in disbelief.

“I’m sorry?” Aaron said.

“Bed,” Robert repeated. “I looked at the spare this morning, it doesn’t look comfortable.”

“I can’t,” Aaron said. “I want to, badly, but I can’t because you don’t know me.”

“So what?” Robert said. “I _want_ to know you.”

“We’re not having sex,” Aaron stated.

“No, we’re not,” Robert repeated, making Aaron stare at him. “I want to impress you, and I can’t do that when I’m keeping still to make sure the stitches on my stomach don’t pop open.”

Aaron laughed. “God, you’re still the man I fell in love with.”

“Even with a crappy memory?” Robert asked.

“Even with,” Aaron agreed. They both moved into a kiss, soft and gentle, Aaron’s hand sliding up to Robert’s hair. Robert turned his body to get close to him, to feel Aaron against his chest. Robert curled his fingers in the fabric of Aarons hoodie, and if he’d been physically 100% he’d have already nodded to the bedroom. But he didn’t because he felt more vulnerable than he could ever remember being in his life.

“Robert, we need to talk about your taste in blokes.” They broke apart and turned to see Liv having come home, closing the door behind her. “You lose your memory, and you still want him? Wow.” she said, nodding at Aaron, but the grin told them she was teasing and Aaron groaned.

“Shower?” Aaron asked, and Robert nodded, grateful to be away from Liv. Just for the time being.


	8. Chapter 8

After his nightly shower, they got into bed. Aaron stayed in a T shirt and his underwear, even though he wouldn’t have normally, Robert just wearing boxers. He didn’t want to add pressure to his abdomen and he groaned as he laid out flat in bed.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked.

“Mm. Just hurts.” Robert shifted a little. “Are you getting in bed, or what?”

“Sure you want me to?”

“Yes.” Aaron got under the covers, feeling stiff like he couldn’t relax properly.

“I’m guessing this isn’t how we spend most nights,” Robert said, watching him.

“I’m a bit scared of touching you,” Aaron admitted. “I’m a stranger.”

“You’re not a stranger,” Robert said. “I don’t know you as well as I’d like, but…” He did a half shrug and gave it up. Aaron curled up behind him, careful about where he put his hands and rested one on Robert’s hip.

“Okay?”

“Good,” Robert said. Aaron kissed his bare shoulder lightly. “Is this what we do?”

“Usually with sex or foreplay,” Aaron said, serious, but teasing as well, Robert smiled at him, taking it in the way it was meant. 

“Night,” Robert said. “I’ve been falling asleep quickly lately.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “Night.”

* * *

 

Robert woke up to Aaron’s arms far tighter around him than they had been the night before, nuzzling into his neck. Also a semi pressing into Robert’s arse. Panic rolled through Robert, making him freeze. He was trying, but being with a man like this, it didn’t feel natural to him. He’d seen pictures of them together, clearly he got past it, but right now?

“Mm…” Aaron moaned, pulling Robert close. Aaron was clearly still mostly asleep, because this was far more intimate than they’d ever been. In Robert’s memory anyway. Aaron started kissing his neck and his hands started roaming south.

“Aaron,” Robert said, a note of warning in his voice.

“What?” Aaron murmured. Then, awareness creeping in, Aaron jerked away from him. “Oh, God,” he said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Robert said, more out of instinct than anything else.

“No, it’s not,” Aaron said. “Sorry, I’m just… used to it. Habit. Sorry.” He looked really apologetic.

“It’s fine,” Robert said. “I get it. I’m not saying no, just not now.”

Aaron nodded, biting his bottom lip. He got up and threw some clothes on quickly, trying to cover himself up, Robert could tell. “I’ll get Seb,” Aaron said, and when he was alone Robert hit his head forcefully against the pillow.

“That isn’t going to help,” Robert said to himself. It’s not like he could knock his memories back into his brain.

* * *

People stopped asking if Robert had remembered anything. The villagers got used to Robert being around and not necessarily knowing who he was. Brenda at the café managed to get on familiar first name terms with him in days. It would have annoyed Robert apart from the fact that she tended to give Seb a free drink, or a slice of carrot cake and it made his face light up.

He did paperwork or accounts for the business in the mornings, and either spent time with Seb, trying to make up for the time he’d missed sometimes with Aaron, sometimes not, or occasionally with a doctors appointment. He’d had his stitches checked and the doctor had effectively signed him off for recovery. From the physical stuff at least. They did not share a bed again. Aaron was too embarrassed about how familiar he’d been, and Robert didn’t have the nerve to suggest it again. They did still have their showers though, a light kiss usually exchanged between them. It felt like a good end point to the day.

That was until one time, when Robert said no. Robert had sighed at the TV, having had enough of the shit show they were watching. He couldn’t even keep track of the plot. As was usual, Aaron got up, but Robert shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” Robert said. “I can manage on my own.”

“Oh,” Aaron said, almost deflating.

“The doctor said I was all right,” he said, touching his abdomen. “I’ll be fine.” Aaron let Robert leave, and waited until he was upstairs and heard the water running before he realised how much he liked Robert to need him. He liked having those small intimate moments together. Even when Robert didn’t remember him, it was a little something to hold on to. Robert taking it away? It felt devastating.

* * *

Robert, for his part, he wanted to be alone. He hadn’t needed Aaron’s help for days really, but he had liked having some time, just them, where nothing was expected. But over dinner… Robert had remembered something, and he’d pushed it away because he hadn’t wanted to examine it while Aaron was around.

_“This is your last chance, okay?!”_

_“I’m leaving.”_

_“You’re not going anywhere!!”_

_Throwing Katie to the floor. Floorboards cracking. A scream. Katie’s dead body lifelessly looking up._ He’d killed her. He’d actually killed someone. How could this be real? Robert put his hand over his mouth so Aaron or Liv wouldn’t hear the sobs he was trying to hold in.

Aaron didn’t know. He couldn’t possibly. Who would ever forgive him for being a murderer? Robert screwed his eyes closed, trying to remember more, but all he could hear in his mind was him and Katie shouting, something about a phone, pushing her through the floorboards, finding her body, feeling her pulse and finding nothing there…. Then the memory floated away. He’d killed someone. His brothers wife. Ex wife? He wasn’t sure of the timeline, but dear God. It was all he could do to remain standing. Katie’s dead face as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. How much had Robert missed? How much had he lost? He’d killed someone, he’d watched Chrissie die right in front of him, and they were the only two memories he had?

His legs buckled. He fell to the hard unforgiving floor of the shower as he cried as silently as he knew how.

* * *

 

“Sophia, I’m so sorry we haven’t called,” Aaron said. He knew they’d been ignoring their surrogate, but the car crash had taken all of his attention. “We’re really thankful for what you’re doing for us. Er… Robert had a car accident, that’s why I never phoned.”

“Oh!” she said. “Is he all right?”

“On the mend,” Aaron said, hedging his bets. “It was touch and go for a few days, and calling you… it slipped my mind. He had abdominal and brain surgery.”

“Oh, God!” Sophia said. “Is he all right now?”

“Er… yeah,” Aaron said. “He‘s a bit slower than he used to be, but the doctors say he’ll get that back in a few weeks.”

“Sorry I called, I wasn’t meaning to be a pain.”

“You’re never a pain,” Aaron said warmly. “How are you?”

“I’m good. I wanted to thank you two for the chocolates waiting for me at home after the check up.” Aaron paused. He hadn’t known anything about any chocolates. It must have been Robert. “Baby and me loved them.”

“You’re welcome,” Aaron said. “How is the baby?”

“Fine. No change, it’s all going well. We’ll have to meet up for coffee soon.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said, thinking quickly. Robert would have a long working day on that day, he’d try and get that in quickly. He couldn’t let Robert know about this, he didn’t want to, and he also didn’t want Sophia to know about brain damage. Not when she was carrying their baby. It didn’t exactly signify a healthy relationship and a stable environment for a child, did it? He just couldn’t mention it. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

* * *

Aaron felt like he was shattering into a thousand pieces as he went over to the pub. He might be married and grown up, but right now he needed his mum. Robert was like a stranger the past few days, a different person, and even within the confines of their house, Aaron got the impression he was being avoided.

“Robert’s just so distant,” he told Chas the second she excused herself from work and they were in the back room. I haven’t been able to talk to him for about three days now. He won’t even look at me lately. I don’t know, I feel like I’m losing him.”

“That man adores you,” she said. “It’s probably a lot for him right now.”

“He doesn’t remember,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “He doesn’t remember me at all, and I thought he wanted to get back to where his life was, but lately? I’m not so sure. He’s so... not present.” He was. This version of Robert who didn’t really want to interact with Aaron was so foreign to him.

“He will remember,” Chas said.

“What if he doesn’t?” Aaron said. “It’s been weeks, he shows no signs of getting his memory back, all he’s recovered is the memory of his ex wife dying in front of him. Shows me what he really thinks about me.” He was being unfair, and he knew it, but he felt allowed to rant to his mum.

“He’ll still be Robert, and you love him,” Chas said, putting a hand on Aaron’s back to try and comfort him.

“But he doesn’t love me,” Aaron said, voice cracking.

“Robert never could resist you,” Chas said, smiling at Aaron. “He’ll fall for you again.”

“It’s not just that though,” Aaron said. “It’s our history. The places that were special for us, the words that we said that meant something… even our song… now it’s all things that only exist in my head. It’s a shared history that we don’t have any more, because the other half of us doesn’t remember!”

“It’s not his fault,” Chas said, rubbing a hand across Aaron’s shoulder.

“I know that,” Aaron said. “That doesn’t make it any easier, having lost the journey of… us, and now we’ve got to start again from scratch.”

“Does he…” Chas paused, then asked the awkward question. “Does he not want to try?”

“He does,” Aaron said. “Or I thought he did. But it’s not the same. He knew… before the accident, he knew what I was thinking before I did. He looks the same, but the Robert I worked so hard to know… he’s gone.”

“He’s not gone,” Chas said. “It’s just going to take a bit of effort to find him again.”

Aaron shook his head, feeling sorry for himself. Chas knew that, and let him, bringing him a bottle of whisky back from the bar. Aaron didn’t get drunk, that wasn’t the goal, but he did have a few.


	9. Chapter 9

 

Robert looked out of the window of the portacabin, making sure Aaron was working and not going to burst in any time soon. Work was a loose definition of what he was doing, playing with Seb would be more accurate, but he seemed to have his hands full.

So Robert turned and looked at Nicola, focused on the computer screen. “Brew?” he suggested. She nodded, Robert occupying himself making them.

“Thanks,” Nicola said, then saw Robert watching her. “Spit it out.”

Robert smiled, appreciating her bluntness. “What do you know about Katie?”

Her face went slack, her usual sarcasm falling away. “What do you remember?”

“Not much,” Robert said. “She’s not here… is she?”

“No,” Nicola said. “She died. A while ago now.”

“Give me details,” Robert said. Nicola hesitated. “Come on, I need to know!”

“Why do you think I’ll know?” she asked.

“You’re the village gossip,” Robert said. She raised her eyebrows in offence at that. “I mean… you keep your ears open.”

“Uhuh,” she said. “Why don’t you ask Aaron?”

“The first memory I get is of Chrissie, the next is of Katie?” Robert asked. “Both my exes, I think my current husband might have a problem with that.” It was only partly true, but she bought it.

“Katie’s…”

“Dead, I know,” Robert said, and she nodded. “I want to know how.”

“It was an accident,” Nicola said. “The coroner ruled it as an accident, no one could have done anything.”

“What happened?” Robert asked. Maybe Nicola could tell Robert wasn’t about to let this drop, but she started talking.

“Her and Andy were going to buy Wylie’s farm,” Nicola said. “They’d been arguing a bit. Or… a lot. I don’t know what was going on between them, but in the pub… the gossip said they might even separate. Katie rode a horse up to Wylies on that day. Maybe she was having a look around, or saying goodbye to the place because things with Andy weren’t great. The floorboards gave way underneath her, she fell and broke her neck.”

“Right,” Robert said, trying to put the pieces together. What she was telling him, and the things Nicola couldn’t possibly know. “When was this?”

“Er… your wedding day. To Chrissie,” she added. Robert thought. That would make the blue suit he was wearing in his memory making a bit of sense.

“They were sure it was an accident?” Robert pushed.

“Yeah,” Nicola said. “No one could have known the floor was going to collapse. They had construction people have a look at it. All someone had to do was step on it wrong.”

“Right,” Robert said again. “Thanks.”

* * *

 

He’d been toying with it for a few days, now. He had to leave Aaron. That was the only solution. Nicola had told him the version fit for public consumption, he knew that. But that God awful memory of Robert pushing her through a rotten floor would not leave him. On his wedding day for Christs sake? Had he been having an affair with her as well as Aaron? Aaron couldn’t possibly know about any of this, because why would he stay with him if he did?

Robert was going to stay at Vics for a few days while he tried to think things through. He wouldn’t take Seb with him, the boy adored Aaron and he wouldn’t disrupt Seb’s routine for the minor emotional breakdown he was undergoing right now.

He threw a few things into a bag, just to tide him over. He didn’t have much, because he didn’t know. Which was his favourite jacket? Favourite shirt? He didn’t have a clue. He did make sure to take a few pictures of Seb, though. Even if he didn’t remember, he liked to look at them. To fool himself that he did remember.

Getting out of the house without Aaron kicking up, that was going to be the problem. He took the bag downstairs, looking down as Aaron cooked dinner.

“What the… where are you… no,” Aaron said quickly. “No, you can’t leave. You’re not leaving! You can’t!”

“I have to,” Robert said. “I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t,” Aaron said.

“I should…” Liv said, basically running for the stairs to get out of the way. Aaron turned the oven down, then looked at Robert.

“I won’t force you to stay,” Aaron said, voice hollow. “I would never do that to you. But please… please, Robert, just tell me why.”

“I can’t.”

“You owe me that!” Aaron shouted, patience snapping. “I know something’s been bothering you for more than a week and you won’t even look at me. Please, tell the man you married twice what’s going on?!”

“I can’t, Aaron!” Robert shouted. “I just can’t! Why can’t you leave it alone!”

“Because I love you,” Aaron said, and Robert flinched. Aaron felt his heart breaking. He never thought Robert wouldn’t want to hear that from him. “Just be honest with me and… have you remembered something?” Robert kept looking at the floor. “It’s okay,” Aaron said, his voice going soft. “Whatever it is, whatever you’ve remembered, it’s okay. We can get through it.”

“We can’t,” Robert said, and much to his shame he found himself almost sobbing. Aaron’s arms were around him before he could so much as think clearly, squeezing him tight. 

“It’s okay,” Aaron soothed. “I promise it’ll be okay.”

“What if it’s stuff even you don’t know about?” Robert asked. “What then?”

“I probably do know,” Aaron said. “You’re not great keeping secrets from me.”

Robert let himself be almost guided to the sofa, crying quietly. He hated himself. How could Aaron even look at him, let alone want him?

“Talk to me,” Aaron said, once they were sitting down, Aaron’s hand still on his back.

“You’ll hate me,” Robert said.

“Try me,” Aaron said, not giving in.

“It’s about Katie,” Robert said.

Aaron frowned for a moment. “It’s okay. Whatever it is.”

“I killed her,” Robert said. The memory came spilling out of him, he couldn’t stop it, and he heaved a sob when he’d finished.

“It was an accident.”

“You knew?!”

“Of course I knew,” Aaron said. “I know everything about you.”

Robert wiped his eyes then shook his head. “I killed her.”

“It was an accident,” Aaron repeated. “I set you up.”

“What?!” Robert frowned.

“Okay,” Aaron said heavily. “We were having an affair. Katie was convinced you were cheating on Chrissie, she tried to catch you out. I er… I wanted you to pick me,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I know it was hard for you, but seeing you going back home to _her_ every night, god it hurt. So... I set you up, making sure that Katie would catch us together. We were at Wylie’s, it was pretty much abandoned at the time and it was where we used to meet. Katie got a picture of us together, and I left you to basically… clear up the mess.”

Aaron cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable. “She was going to out you, and you panicked, and that’s why you pushed her. You didn’t know the floor was going to give way. You didn’t plan to kill her, Robert.”

“But… God, it’s so horrible.”

“Andy forgave you. In the end. You’re not a bad man,” Aaron said.

“It’s so hard to believe,” Robert said. “It feels like someone else’s life.”

“It does to me as well,” Aaron said. “It’s a long time ago. It’s not a good time for any of us. None of us came out of that well.”

Robert nodded, but it was clear he didn’t believe it.

“You remembered though,” Aaron said, trying to hold on to that. “That’s something, surely.”

“Maybe,” Robert said. “If I’ve got more bad memories, I think I’d rather not know.”

“You don’t mean that,” Aaron said.

“I do,” Robert said. “I’ve had enough. It’s traumatic as it is, I think I should just cancel my therapists appointments and leave it at that.”

“You can’t,” Aaron said. “Please, don’t do that.”

“What’s the point?”

“What about remembering me?” Aaron said. “The good memories? Your son? You want to forget everything about the first year of his life?”

“No, but I don’t have that option, Aaron!” Robert snapped. “I should just go to Vics, give up.”

“Sleep on it,” Aaron said. “If you do remember stuff, just talk to me. It’s not as bad as you think. You don’t have any context for any of it.”

“This is a lot.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “Come here.” He hugged Robert, pulling him close. Robert let him, almost falling into the reassuring warmth of Aaron’s chest, half sobbing into his shirt. They twisted together and ended up laying on the sofa, Robert half crying into Aaron’s chest. He was glad Aaron had pulled it out of him. He’d been carrying that knowledge for days, and even if it didn’t really change anything, it felt good to have confided in someone, and for Aaron to still be here.

After a while, the crying stopped. Robert shifted and without thinking it through before hand, he kissed Aaron’s neck. Aaron’s fingers tightened in his hair, just for a fraction of a moment. Robert carried on, kissing along his neck and Aaron tilting his head back as he quietly moaned. Robert’s lips caressed his skin, Aaron’s breathing getting heavier. Even through both of their jeans, he could feel Aaron getting turned on, and he didn’t have any fear right now. Robert really wanted him and kissed his jaw, Aaron’s hands starting to stroke his back. Like he wanted to touch him but was almost afraid to.

Robert kissed his mouth and Aaron responded eagerly, like he’d been waiting for Robert to move first, and finally, Aaron’s hands slipped under the back of his shirt, pressing against the planes of his body. Aaron wrapped one leg around Robert and Robert froze, pulling back.

“Sorry,” Aaron said, sensing his hesitation.

“Don’t be,” Robert said. “It’s new to me, that’s all.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “That’s weird, because we’ve been here so many times.”

“Stupid brain,” Robert said quietly and Aaron smiled.

“You can get off me,” Aaron said. “If it’s too much.”

“I don’t want to,” Robert said quietly. “This is…” He didn’t finish his sentence, because he couldn’t find the word. Nice? Comforting? God knows. But it did feel right, being in Aaron’s arms.

“Is this memory, is that the reason you’ve not been looking at me?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I’m a horrible person, then there you are being so kind to me.”

“You’re not,” Aaron said. “All of us didn’t behave well at the time. None of it looks good.”

“Aaron?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we go back to how it was?” Robert asked. “You helping me with my shower?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said quietly. “Course.” They both knew Robert didn’t actually need help, but Robert felt far too vulnerable to actually say that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super nervous about this chapter, and I hope it works! Thanks for sticking with this so far!

While in the shower, Robert talked through some of his fears. That he was a bad person. What if he never got it all back? How would he live with having disconnected terrible memories like this? He wasn’t looking for answers from Aaron, but it helped ease his mind to actually voice it.

Aaron passed Robert the towel, which he tucked around his waist. “Take your shirt off,” Robert said quietly. Aaron looked at him for a long moment before doing as he’d asked. Robert looked at him. Simply gazed at his body, taking him in and Aaron felt self conscious, his hand rising to cover his scars.

“Don’t,” Robert said. “I want to see you.” Robert’s right hand touched his shoulder and smoothed down his arm to his bicep and Robert sighed. Aaron recognised that look on him. Lust and want and desire. It had been a while since Robert had looked at him like he was brand new.

“I want you,” Robert said softly.

“And you don’t know what to do with that,” Aaron said. “Do you?”

“No,” Robert said. “I can’t… I honestly can’t remember the last time I had sex.”

Aaron knew what he was hinting at and shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Then when Robert kept looking at him. “It won’t mean the same for you as it does for me.”

“No,” Robert agreed. “It won’t. But honestly, I want you. If I saw you in a bar, I’d definitely want to take you back to my hotel room. If it means more to you… does that really matter?”

Aaron thought about it. God, it was tempting to take Robert up on his offer. But truth be told, he was kind of waiting for Robert’s memory to slot into place. It just didn’t seem to be happening. How long would he wait for Robert to remember? Weeks? Months? Robert closed the gap between them and took Aaron’s hand.

“We’re married, aren’t we?”

“Yeah.” Aaron swallowed thickly, then thought fuck it. Who was he to deny himself what he wanted? He’d have to take this slowly though, Robert still was deeply unsure of his attraction to men. Aaron pulled Robert through to the bedroom.

* * *

Robert kissed him, pushing Aaron onto the bed, Aaron smiling as he did so. He reached for Aaron’s belt, still in his jeans and Aaron kept his hands still, letting Robert touch him and go at his own pace. Robert kissed him again as he unbuckled it, fingers eager. “We don’t have to…” Aaron whispered against his lips.

“I know,” Robert said. He unzipped Aaron’s jeans and started stroking him through his underwear. Aaron moaned, eyes closed. Robert’s fingers felt eager, but unpractised and Aaron grabbed his arm to stop him.

“We don’t have to rush,” he said.

“You don’t want me?” Robert asked.

Aaron snorted incredulously. “Of course I want you,” he said. “I’ll probably be 80 and wheelchair bound and still want you.” Robert smiled with relief. Aaron’s fingers found the top of the towel still around Robert’s waist. Robert nodded and he pulled it free, his hands skimming lightly over his hips, then thighs, skin still damp. Robert rolled on top of him, skin to skin and Aaron opened his thighs, wrapping his legs around him so they were pressed everywhere. Robert kissed him and Aaron poured all the love he felt for Robert into that kiss. He couldn’t say it, or wouldn’t, because it would break the moment and Robert wasn’t there yet.

“What do you like?” Robert whispered against his lips between kisses. “Sex, what do you want?”

“Everything,” Aaron said, eyes dark and full of promise. “With you, everything that feels good.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” Robert asked.

“Isn’t finding out half the fun?” Aaron said, a wide grin on his face as Robert laughed into a kiss. It was easy, flirtatious. Almost new again, but not quite. Not for Aaron at least. He ran his hands down Robert’s back, stroking warm skin until he came to his arse and squeezed. Robert moaned, rolling his hips into Aaron’s.

“Is this too much?” Aaron asked.

“No,” Robert said quietly. His instincts were taking over, body moving in the rhythm of sex and Aaron remembered. The affair, the first time they became physical, Robert was clumsy, then once he was turned on, he stopped thinking about how he should be acting, and just chased what felt good, inhibitions stripped away. Aaron remembered Robert like this. He’d never been shy of his body, knew he looked good, it was all about letting a man touch him, allowing himself want in that way.

Robert let out a quiet little moan against Aaron’s lips, rocking against him. Aaron flipped them over, Robert gasping in surprise as Aaron kissed down his chest. Robert’s hands tugged at his hair, urging him on.

“Careful,” Robert said with wariness.

“I’ve got you,” Aaron said. He stroked across his scar on his abdomen very gently, feeling Robert tense under him. “Does it hurt?”

“A little,” Robert said. Then gasped as Aaron took him in his mouth. “Oh God!” Robert gasped, pulling his hair to keep him going. His mouth felt incredible. Hot, wet, delicious.

Aaron knew how to touch him, what he liked the most. It hadn’t taken Aaron long at all, and he was almost at the edge already. Aaron knew his body very intimately, that much was clear. “Stop,” Robert breathed. Aaron took his mouth off him and looked up. His lips were red and wet, curls messy from Robert’s fingers pulling at it, and breathing heavily. Robert had never seen him look more fuckable.

“Have I…” Aaron asked, stroking his thigh.

“No, it’s good,” Robert said. “I was really close.” Aaron grinned and moved up the bed, kissing his neck.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Aaron said. Felt like he had to.

“You’re bailing on me now?” Robert said. Aaron smiled, then laughed into another kiss. Aaron twisted around to grab the lube off the bedside table. When had that appeared there?

“Okay?”

“Yeah.” Robert, much to his own surprise, kissed Aaron’s closed eyelids, one then the next, then the tip of his nose.

“What was that for?” Aaron asked, the move strangely intimate given everything that was going on between them. The amnesia, Robert’s memories.

“Just because,” Robert said. Aaron shifted Robert until he lay on his front, then opened the lube. He looked at Robert like he was ready to be stopped, or for Robert to run, but he wasn’t going to. He was too turned on to say no, and he wanted Aaron.

Aaron kissed between his shoulder blades before spreading lube around his hole. Robert sighed heavily, closing his eyes as Aaron pushed a finger inside him. “Oh…”

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. Aaron pressed feather light kisses to his shoulders and back as he stretched Robert open with two fingers. Robert started grinding into the mattress, feeling really good as Aaron hit his prostate. “Fuck,” he breathed.

Aaron laughed in his ear. “Enjoying yourself?”

“Mm,” Robert said, then he groaned at the third finger. It wasn’t until Robert was pushing back on his fingers that Aaron got a condom. Robert took it from him impatiently and rolled it onto Aaron, Aaron moaning a little at the touch.

Aaron spooned behind him, both on their sides as he pushed in slowly until he bottomed out. Robert tensed in his arms, trying to relax but not fully managing it. “It’ll be all right in a bit,” Aaron soothed in his ear, pressing kisses to whatever freckled skin was in reach.

It took a good minute or so for the pain to fade into a feeling of fullness. Completely stretched like he could go no further and Aaron rolled his hips, making Robert grunt.

“You good?”

“Mmhmm,” Robert said as Aaron thrust forward. Robert moved with it, trying to get Aaron deeper as Aaron’s hands stroked his chest, pulling his nipples every now and then. Robert felt completely overloaded with sensation and knew he wouldn’t last long, his hand going to his dick.

“No,” Aaron said, grabbing his wrists and pinning them to the mattress. “Don’t touch.”

“God, Aaron!” he moaned, earning a deep thrust. As soon as he wasn’t allowed to, he really wanted to stroke himself off. Aaron knew his body so well and Robert found himself on the edge quickly again. He twisted his wrists out of Aaron’s grasp, but that was only to reach back and hold his body close, hand curving around Aaron’s arse. Aaron reached for him, and with a practised twist of his closed fist, Robert found himself coming, body writhing and pumping with it. So intense. It had been so long since he'd felt something so good, a toe curling orgasm shaking through him.

He was oversensitive, every touch felt like too much as Aaron thrust into him over and over, but then Aaron came, fingernails digging into Robert’s hips, marking him he knew. He didn’t care. Aaron felt as deep as it was possible to be and Robert whined when he parted from him, grabbing a flannel from the bathroom to clean them both up. The option of a shower right now wasn’t happening. 

The panting and heavy breathing faded away into a quiet stillness in the bedroom. Aaron pulled the duvet over them and turned the light off. They shared a very tender, sweet kiss, before Robert closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

The sex last night had been incredible. That was all Robert could think about when he woke up. No wonder he’d had an affair behind Chrissie’s back if that was the kind of sex that was on offer. Aaron gave all of himself, without reservation. Intense and passionate. Yeah, that covered it. Robert wanted more, he wanted to feel that again. He hadn’t nearly drunk his fill, and he wanted to kiss Aaron awake and pick up where they left off. _No_ , a voice said in his head. _Aaron doesn’t like that_. Robert blinked. Where had that thought come from? _Aaron doesn’t like being touched when he’s asleep._ Desperately Robert pushed at that thought. _How do you know that?_ He searched his mind for a memory, for something, anything that could link to that thought. But there was nothing there. Was he just making it up and jumping on the first thing that occurred to him?

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked. “After last night. You look miles away.”

Robert rolled onto his side so he could look at Aaron. “Last night was incredible,” he said honestly and Aaron grinned.

“I was worried,” Aaron said. “That I’d pushed you, or that you… wouldn’t enjoy it as much as before.”

“No, I wanted it,” Robert said. “Wanted you.” Aaron pressed a soft kiss to his lips, then jaw. “I wanted to ask you something.” Aaron waited. “If I’d… kissed you to wake you up… you wouldn’t have enjoyed that?”

“No,” Aaron said. It was a reminder of the abuse he'd suffered, Gordon, and he couldn’t cope with it. The Robert of before always knew that and wouldn’t touch him until he was fully awake. “I don’t like that, I like to be aware of what’s going on… you knew that?” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Last night was so good I wanted to pick up where we left off. I had a voice in my head telling me not to.”

“Do you remember anything else?” Aaron asked urgently.

“No,” Robert said. “I don’t even know where that thought came from.”

“Oh,” Aaron said, clearly disappointed.

“I am trying,” Robert said. “I didn’t lose my memory to wind you up and…”

“Hey, sh,” Aaron said, a hand running through Robert’s hair to comfort him. “I know this is tougher for you than me. Can’t help but hope, though.”

“Yeah.” Robert kissed him, taking comfort from Aaron’s arms, the warmth of his body.

“You want more sex?” Aaron asked, smile tilting upwards.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I really do.” Aaron laughed and he looked gorgeous, rolling on top of Robert.

“Oi!” The both turned towards the closed door, Liv knocking on it loudly. “I know you’re busy getting _reacquainted_ with each other, but Seb needs you.” The emphasis on reacquainted was not lost on either of them and Robert went red as Aaron screwed his face up with embarrassment.

“All right,” Aaron said. “We’re coming.”

* * *

Liv was smiling at them both knowingly as they came down the stairs, fully dressed, Seb in Aaron’s arms. “You two had a good night then?” They ignored this, putting Seb in his high chair and giving him his breakfast. He could happily feed himself now, as long as they left the food within reach.

“Have you remembered?” Liv asked. “Or have you fallen for his charms again?”

“Liv, you’re seventeen,” Aaron said while Robert made tea as loudly as he possibly could.

“Warn me next time so I can put the headphones on,” Liv said.

“Haven’t you got college?” Aaron snapped at her.

“All right!” she said with a grin. “I’m only messing.” She grabbed her bag and left, letting Robert breathe easily again. “Bye Rob.” The smile on her face let Aaron know she was at least (weirdly) happy for them. Better than the alternative, though.

“Was it as good?” Robert asked, looking intently at the toaster.

“As good as what?”

“Before,” Robert said. “When I remembered who I was and who you are and knew everything about you?” Aaron didn’t answer straight away, and that was a mistake. Robert’s eyes shuttered and his back stiffened. “Right, okay.”

“Robert, it’s not like that,” Aaron said.

“Mm.”

“It’s not,” Aaron said again, putting a hand on his waist so he couldn’t run from him. “I loved last night, you know that.”

“But…”

“Alright, but don’t kick off,” Aaron said, waiting until Robert nodded. He pulled Robert away from Seb‘s high chair, away from small ears. “There’s something… intoxicating about sex with you. You know just what I like how I like it, how to make me moan. What turns me on. How to touch me.”

Robert caught on quickly. “I don’t know that any more.”

“No,” Aaron said. “You don’t. It’s not your fault, at all, and I still loved last night. I’d kind of got used to... married sex, I guess.”

“I get it,” Robert said. “I can’t fix that.”

“I didn’t ask you to,” Aaron said. “I want a repeat of last night anyway, so you’ll find out what I like.”

“That’s true,” Robert said, a slight smile. “I thought it was amazing. For what it’s worth.”

“It was,” Aaron said. “Are you okay? I know being with a man is a lot.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I am. I feel… good.”

Aaron kissed him very softly. Their kiss was only broken by Seb who'd knocked his sippy cup over, and the moment was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying not to contradict myself, or repeat myself in this story, so I hope I've got the balance right!! As I started writing this before Vic's attack was canon, I'm completely ignoring it. Diane is not going to be mentioned further in this fic, and certainly if Robert's memory has reset to 2014, he doesn't have the best relationship with her anyway. Hope that's okay, enjoy!

Robert closed the folder at work, sighing as he looked around the cabin. Seb was playing with his toys on the floor, Robert keeping half an eye on him as the boy entertained himself. “Penny for your thoughts?”

He looked up to see Vic, smiling as she walked in and closed the door. “Not sure they’re worth that much.”

“How are you?” she asked.

“Physically? I’m fine,” Robert said. “My abdomen doesn’t hurt much these days, I feel good.”

“But no…”

“Rush of memories, no,” Robert said. “It’s all right, I know it’s the elephant in the room.”

“It’s okay,” Vic said. “It’ll come back with time.”

“Will it?” Robert said, rubbing his face. “I don’t need to hear that.”

“What do you need to hear?” Vic asked.

Robert thought about it for a few seconds. “I need you to tell me that it’ll be okay if I don’t remember everything.”

“Of course it will be,” Vic said. “We all want you to remember, but it will be fine if you don’t.” She seemed sincere, and Robert allowed himself to believe it. “How are you and Aaron getting on?”

“Hmm? Oh, great,” Robert said. He could still feel Aaron’s touch on his skin. “We’re trying to make it work,” he added to Vics look.

“Do you want to?” Vic asked softly, talking about it. No one had suggested leaving Aaron to Robert as a valid option, she wanted Robert to know that him being happy was the goal. “No one would blame you if you wanted to start again.”

“He would,” Robert said. “Aaron. It’d break his heart if I left him.”

“You’ve got to do what’s best for you,” Vic said. “Not him.”

“I want to be with him,” Robert said quietly. “I always feel like I’ve missed three steps, and I don’t like that feeling, but that’s not his fault.”

“No,” Vic said. “I want to help you so badly.”

“I can’t do anything, I feel stuck,” Robert said. 

“What am I missing?” Vic said. Robert said nothing but clearly something in is face gave him away. “You slept with him?!”

“Vic!” Robert said. “Yeah, all right.”

“Oh, for Gods sake, he’s taking advantage of you and…”

“No,” Robert said, interrupting her. “He really isn’t. I wanted to and… I wanted to.”

“Why?” Vic asked, and Robert shot her a look.

“I’ve got no memory, I’m not blind or an idiot,” Robert said. “Dad wouldn’t like it. Me with a man.”

“Rob,” Vic said softly.

“Don’t,” he said. “I’m not looking for platitudes, I’m just stating the truth.”

“Even if you believe that…”

“I do,” Robert said firmly.

“He’s not here, and we are,” Vic said, wide eyes sad. “Don’t live by what you think he’d have wanted. If you want to be with Aaron, be with him. Your memory? You will either get it back, or you won’t. But it doesn’t change who you both are, you’re the same people, and he’s so in love with you.”

“Was I?” Robert asked. “In love with him before?”

“Yes,” Vic said. “You’ve never loved anyone the way you have Aaron.”

“Thanks,” Robert said. He was sure he’d been told this before, but he hadn’t been ready to hear it. Now he was. It felt reassuring somehow to be with the person everyone thought he should be with. Aaron seemed to know the darkest parts of him (the word Katie floated in his mind) and love him anyway. There was no doubt in his mind that Aaron loved him, truly loved him. It was only… he had to get there himself and he wasn’t sure if he was yet. Jumping in with someone that, essentially, he’d never met, to being married and Seb and sharing a house and two businesses, it was a lot. But leaving Aaron now? Not an option.

“It’s just…” Robert hesitated. “I went from not knowing him to being married, skipping all the fun bits.”

“So… take him out somewhere,” Vic said simply. 

“He might not want to go.”

“He’d bite your arm off,” Vic said confidently. “Try it.” Robert rolled his eyes.

“Where is Aaron by the way?” Vic asked. “Didn’t see him outside.”

“Oh, he’s on a scrap run.”

* * *

Aaron was early, he knew that. And he couldn’t stop from tapping his foot under the table, bouncing up and down with his nervousness. He had to meet Sophia. Couldn’t not. She’d asked, and she was carrying their baby, so he couldn’t say no. He was well aware that he’d been avoiding her too. She walked into the café, spotted him and smiled, giving him a brief hug.

“How are you?” Aaron asked, trying to appear as relaxed as he could with a smile for good measure.

“Fine,” she said. She put a hand over her stomach. “Fine too.”

“Good,” Aaron said. “That’s great.” 

They ordered, Aaron encouraging her to order whatever she wanted. “How is Robert?” she asked, sipping her coffee. “I’ve not seen him for a few weeks.”

“He’s doing okay,” Aaron said. “Threw himself back into work after the car crash. Won’t hear of slowing down.”

“Is he recovering?”

“Mostly,” Aaron said. Talking about Robert gave him anxiety, because he didn’t want to trip up. He probably should tell her, but she literally had all the power here, and he didn’t want to rock the boat. He had no idea how she’d react.

“How’s Liv?” That Aaron leapt on, because it felt safe to talk about.

* * *

When they were finishing their meal, Sophia almost squealed. “Oh!! I’ve got the appointment for the gender scan,” Sophia said. “I want you and Robert there?” Just a hint of a question.

“Of course,” Aaron said automatically. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“You still want to find out, right?”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “If you do?”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I don’t like calling the baby “it” all the time. Feels weird.”

She gave him the time and date, Aaron saving it in his phone. He wasn’t sure how he’d get around that with Robert’s memory. He’d work it out.

* * *

 

Robert had been wondering what to do, what things did he and Aaron like to do on dates? He had no idea, so he’d been googling stuff that was happening locally. Which meant he ended up with absolutely nothing that seemed like a good option. Aaron came home from work, covered in grime and dust and he really looked like he’d been through it.

“I need a shower,” he groaned, kicking his boots off.

“Hi,” Robert said blankly. Aaron looked at him and forced a tired smile.

“Sorry, long day.”

“Want me to join you?” Robert tried, a little tentative. Aaron leaned closer and kissed him softly, making Robert feel more assured of himself.

“No,” Aaron said. “I just want to get clean.”

“I’ve been thinking…” Robert said. “I want to go out with you.”

“Okay,” Aaron said blankly. “What…”

“Like a date,” Robert said.

“Right.”

“I wake up, having lost five years and all of a sudden I’m married and committed, and we’re both focusing on how I’m healing after surgery and trying to get my memories back, and I want to have some fun. With you,” Robert added. “Definitely with you.”

“Are you sure?” Aaron asked. “You could look for someone else.”

“I don’t want to look for someone else,” Robert said. “Are you trying to let me down gently?”

“No!” Aaron said quickly. “I’m not, not one little bit. Saturday? We can take all day just for ourselves.”

His eagerness made Robert smile. “That sounds great. You have a shower, I’m cooking.”

“You’re a wonderful cook,” Aaron said softly. “I love your food.” Robert kissed him once more, already looking forward to Saturday. It felt like they were getting back into the rhythm of things again.

* * *

It had been an incredibly tense Saturday morning at the Mill. Aaron had refused point blank to let Robert drop Seb off at Rebecca’s. Robert had taken that the wrong way, thinking that Aaron didn’t trust him driving. Whether that he caused the accident, or that he didn’t have the memory capability to drive, or that Aaron didn’t trust him with Seb. None of those options settled well with Robert, which made them have a massive argument, Liv taking Seb to the park to get out of the way. They were already going to be late dropping Seb off as it was, and this was meant to be their day, set aside for them to spend real time together.

Robert had got all stubborn though. He insisted on coming and Aaron knew it’d be like talking to a brick wall. “There’s a reason I don’t want you talking to Rebecca,” Aaron admitted. “It’s not your driving, not at all. Drive wherever the hell you want to.”

“Are you jealous?” Robert asked, filling in the gaps. “I know I cheated on you with her. Seb’s proof of that. Think I’ll go there again?”

“Oh, for Gods sake,” Aaron said under his breath. “No, I don’t. Even if I did, keeping you under lock and key isn’t the way to keep you faithful. I’ve learned that much.”

That hurt, and Robert didn’t even have the recall to know why.

“Okay,” Aaron said. “Rebecca has brain damage. That’s the reason why we have primary custody of Seb, because she can’t care for him. Her short term memory is shot to pieces. She can’t remember if she’s fed him, changed him, where he is sometimes. Which is why she gets him weekends, because her boyfriends there to keep an eye on things. I can’t have you talking to her, realising that you’ve got brain problems. Because if she finds that out, we could be opening a custody battle that I do not have it in me to fight. You don’t either.”

Robert fell silent for a moment. “You could have told me that.”

“I’m frightened,” Aaron admitted. “We both worked very hard to have our family together and our relationship secure and stable. It’s falling away, and you don’t even know it.”

“What else?” Robert asked after a beat.

“What?”

“What else don’t I know?” Robert asked. “Come on, I might not remember, but I know you, Aaron. There’s something you’re not telling me.” Aaron bit his bottom lip and looked at the kitchen counter. A tell if Robert had ever seen it.

“Okay,” Aaron said. He didn't know how much longer he could hide it anyway and his nerves were at breaking point. Aaron got his wallet out, opened it and pulled out the ultrasound picture. The one he’d lied about when Robert came home from hospital, said it was Chas’s scan. “This… it’s not my mums baby. She is pregnant, I didn’t lie about that, but this scan? It’s ours.”

“What?” Robert said, blank with shock.

“We’ve got a surrogate. The day you had your crash, we’d been at the twelve week scan. Checking everything was okay with the baby.”

“Oh, my God,” Robert said, looking at the picture and almost collapsing into a kitchen chair. Blurred, nothing really. But it meant so much more. “We’re having a second kid?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I know I shouldn’t have kept it from you. I only did because… one of the happiest days of my life, knowing that we were having our baby? That the baby was perfectly healthy and we were so happy? That day ended with my husband forgetting I even existed. So I kept it from you, because it was our happy bubble. I didn’t want it to be something else that you had to deal with or hated the idea of. Which meant I lied.”

“How far gone is she?” Robert said. “The surrogate?”

“Eighteen weeks,” Aaron said briefly.

“You’ve not told her, have you?” Robert said. “That I don’t remember?”

“No,” Aaron said. “And I’m not going to, and neither are you.”

“Why?” Robert asked. Aaron’s voice was unusually firm.

“Because she has all the power,” Aaron said. “If she decides that we’re not good enough parents for this kid? Legally she can keep it. She cannot know, Robert.”

"Jesus Christ."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter has a Rebecca appearance in it. I'm sorry, I couldn't avoid it. Her interaction is minor, and I don't plan on her popping up too often.
> 
> I probably won't update much in the next week, I'm away from home for a few days. Enjoy!

They’d reached a stalemate, driving to Liverpool with Seb in the back, neither man talking. Their conversation about the surrogacy had been interrupted by Rebecca calling and asking why they were three hours late. Aaron just got them in the car as soon as possible, because if she was three hours late dropping Seb off, they’d have started world war three.

“Are we not going to talk about it?” Robert asked, in the end, Robert was the one driving. Aaron hadn’t had that argument in him, and Robert driving was never the problem in the first place.

“I thought you were keeping your righteous silence,” Aaron said rolling his eyes. 

“It’s not _righteous silence_ ,” Robert said. “I’m in shock! We’re having another baby in what. Four months? You NEVER told me! How am I supposed to react?!”

“Don’t shout when Seb’s in the car,” Aaron said. Robert muttered under his breath, really pissed off.

“I say nothing, that’s wrong. I have a reaction, and that’s wrong too,” Robert said.

“You’ve got a right to be angry with me,” Aaron said. “I deserve it. Can we just hold on until we’ve dropped him off?”

“Fine,” Robert said. “I’m turning right here?”

“Yes.” They were silent until they parked outside Rebecca’s. “Just don’t say anything stupid, pretend everything’s normal.”

“Do we normally turn up sniping at each other?” Robert asked.

“We’re not sniping, we’ve got issues to sort out, that‘s different,” Aaron said. They didn’t get any further because Rebecca had come out of the house, looking frantic.

“Hey, be good,” Robert said to Seb, turning around and giving him a wink, the boy smiling at him.

“You’re late,” Rebecca said, opening the back door of the car and taking Seb into her arms and smiling at him. “Hi!” she said smiling widely at him.

“Yeah, my fault,” Aaron said. “We’re having a bit of… a disagreement. Sorry.”

“Can I keep him until Monday?” Rebecca asked. “As it’s already Saturday afternoon.”

“No,” Aaron said flatly at the same time Robert said “Yes.” Both men looked at each other. “Come on, we were really late,” Robert said. “We’ve got… stuff to talk through.”

“Why, got any other random women pregnant?” Rebecca said, trying for a joke which fell completely flat and even she could sense the atmosphere between them as they both glared at her. “Okay, bad joke,” she said, raising her eyebrows. She grabbed Seb’s bag from the back of the car. “See you Monday, then. Lets hope you’re not still shouting at each other.”

“We’re not shouting,” Aaron said.

“It‘s a bloody argument,” Robert said narrowing his eyes at him. Aaron breathed in heavily.

“You two aren’t… breaking up… are you?” Rebecca asked, clear concern over Seb on her face.

“No!” both of them said instantly. “Absolutely not,” Aaron added.

“Okay,” she said. “See you Monday.” They watched until she went into the house, then Robert drove off.

“Have I really screwed up?” Robert asked. He hadn’t meant to be so short or antagonistic.

“No, she won’t remember anyway,” Aaron said. Robert had no idea where he was driving to, he was simply keeping the car going.

“You haven’t told her about the surrogacy?”

“No, we have,” Aaron said. “It didn’t stick. Her short term memory really has gone. She‘ll get the message in the end.”

“I don’t think I’ve asked,” Robert said. “Is the baby… healthy?”

“Yes,” Aaron said, his voice very soft. “We’ve got the gender scan coming up.”

“I’m so upset you didn’t tell me,” Robert said. “Angry too. I needed to know. To take time to take it all in.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “It’s a good thing, we’ve been working for for so long. I didn’t want it to be bad news for you.”

“I can see that.”

“I don’t think she caught on to your amnesia,” Aaron said. 

“No,” Robert agreed. “Are we going anywhere? I’m driving round in circles here.”

“Do you still want to spend the day together?” Aaron asked nervously. “Like a date, like you wanted?”

“Er…. Yeah, I guess,” Robert said. “I’m not happy that you lied to me.”

“I know.” Aaron cleared his throat. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I didn’t enjoy doing it. Turn left here. There’s a restaurant we like on the outskirts of town.” Robert followed the directions Aaron gave him, pulling up to what looked like an abandoned shack. “Trust me.”

“I do,” Robert said. Aaron looked at him and smiled.

“Thanks.”

Robert followed Aaron into the shack, which once you got inside was a beautifully decorated small restaurant, bustling with activity. Aaron grinned at his reaction. “Told you. They also stick the football on the telly when there‘s a game on.”

Aaron went to a corner table, clearly their usual spot in the comfy chairs and Robert followed suit as a very vivacious waitress approached them.

“The usual?” she asked with a smile.

Robert hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah.” Once she vanished Robert shrugged. “What’s the usual?”

“Burger and chips,” Aaron said. “It’s good here, but don’t tell Marlon.” Robert smiled. “Have we finished talking about…”

“No,” Robert said. “But I need to take some time to get my head around it. So… I don’t want to talk about the baby today.”

“Suits me,” Aaron said. Robert reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

“I understand why you lied,” Robert said. “It doesn’t make me happier about it.”

“Fair enough.”

* * *

 

There was still some residual tension between them, until they finished their meal and it faded. Aaron took the lead throughout the rest of the day, slowly making their way back to the village. The sun poked it’s head out, and it looked to be a nice day.

Robert surprised himself by just how much he enjoyed Aaron’s company. It felt easy, like he could be himself. It felt like Aaron wasn’t judging him or holding him to a ridiculously high standard like others had in the past. Aaron was sarcastic, easy going and gorgeous. For some reason, it was clear he was also crazy in love with Robert. 

Before going home that night, they went to a bar in Hotten, Aaron getting the drinks in. Robert simply watched him, leant slightly over the bar, jeans tight across his arse and he sighed. He wanted him. Aaron really was gorgeous, and he got to go home with him. He noticed a guy eyeing up Aaron from across the bar, and Robert shook his head to himself, feeling a surge of jealousy. No. Aaron was his, not this random guy. Aaron hadn’t noticed as he came back to their table, smiling at Robert.

“Want to get out of here?” Robert suggested.

“I haven’t even had a drink yet,” Aaron said, looking at the full glass. Robert smiled and leaned in close to him, whispering in his ear.

“I had an idea to make use of the backseat of the car,” Robert said lowly. “Or are you too boring and married for that?” Aaron looked him up and down, then licked his lips in a way that was 100% a yes signal and Robert grinned. They both had a gulp of their drinks before leaving the bar, fingers interlinked, a laugh in Robert’s throat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!! Another short chapter here! I'm trying to get back into this one after having had my confidence knocked a bit. Thank you for being patient with me, and I hope to write some more of this soon!

It was easy, both of them laughing as they fumbled and kissed their way into the cramped back seat of Robert’s car, Aaron unlocking it. They piled in, a mess of limbs and giggles in the darkness as they kissed and pressed up against each other. Fun, light, nothing serious. No pressure on Robert’s mind, no mention of their history from Aaron as Robert tried to pull Aaron’s T shirt off, impatient to touch his skin.

“Stop,” Robert breathed eventually. Aaron slid his hands up to Robert’s waist and put some space between their chests. As much as he could get in the backseat of a car anyway, Robert looking at him, eyes blank for a few seconds.

“Okay?” Aaron asked, thumbs stroking his skin and Robert nodded, but he looked spooked. Robert closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into Aaron’s shoulder so he couldn‘t see his face.

“We’re in a car,” Robert said into his skin.

“Yeah, I know,” Aaron said obviously.

“No, not now,” Robert said. “It’s dark, dingy, cramped. I’m desperate to get you undressed.”

Aaron realised this was a memory and he threaded his fingers through Robert’s hair, urging him to talk. This is the first memory that actively involved him. “I want you so much I can’t think straight. Just have to get you undressed as soon as I can.” Robert fell silent.

“What were we wearing?” Aaron asked, unable to stop himself.

“Er… not much,” Robert said. “I’ve got a black leather jacket, you’re in a hoodie. I don’t know, casual stuff. Why does that matter?!”

“We’ve had sex in the back of a car a few times,” Aaron said. “I’m trying to narrow down which time it was.”

“Oh.” Robert tried to keep hold of details, but it felt like trying to catch water in his hands. “I don’t know, there’s just a lot of naked skin. I’m desperate for you.”

“I think that might have been the first time we had sex,” Aaron said. “I can’t be sure, but it sounds like it. It happened in the back of a car at Cain’s garage. I worked there at the time, and you came to see me after hours.”

“Coincidence?” Robert asked, face still pressed into Aaron’s body.

“No, you were trying to flirt with me,” Aaron said. “We’d already kissed, you kept going after me.”

“You looked good,” Robert said and Aaron smiled.

“Are you okay?” Aaron said.

“Mm,” Robert said. “It’s fragmented, but it’s there.”

“You remembered me.” Robert looked up then, hearing the catch in Aaron’s throat.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Robert said. Aaron swallowed, feeling very emotional and Robert shifted up to kiss him, trying to be gentle. Aaron smiled, appreciating the gesture. Aaron felt so relieved. Even if it was one tiny memory, it meant so much that Aaron’s entire existence hadn’t been erased. He felt like crying, but he blinked the tears away. That wouldn’t help.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember more,” Robert said, reading him well.

“It’s not your fault,” Aaron said. “Was the sex good at least?”

Robert laughed weakly but didn’t answer straight away. “It felt like the world had shifted.” Aaron kissed the top of his head.

* * *

“What names have we come up with?” Robert asked. “For the baby.”

“Oh,” Aaron said heavily. It was the next morning, sitting across the breakfast table from each other. After Robert‘s recollection of them together, it had broke the spontaneous fun of making out in the back of the car, and they‘d gone home, Robert thinking about it over and over, trying to push some more memories to the surface. “We haven’t settled on a name. There’s lots of girls names in the air. We like Annie. Certainly for a middle name if nothing else.”

“My grandmother,” Robert said softly. “I like that.”

“Yeah, you do,” Aaron said. “I don’t know. Abigail, Abi’s an option. Eve. There’s lots of names we like.”

“How about a boy?” Robert asked.

“We’ve decided on the name,” Aaron said. “If it’s a boy.” He bit his bottom lip in nervousness.

“Go on,” Robert said. “Dying in suspense here.”

“Benjamin,” Aaron said. “That’s biblical which is important for my family, and Benjamin means the son of Jacob. We both like the name so that’s what we settled on. If you still like it.”

“Benjamin,” Robert repeated softly. “That sounds… good.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked very quietly.

“I’m not going to lie, I’ve not nearly got my head around it yet,” Robert said. “The pregnancy was a hell of a shock. But I like that we made plans.”

“So many plans,” Aaron said, smiling at him. “I’ve never been this happy.” Robert reached for his hand and squeezed his fingers for a moment before taking a sip of his coffee.

“I want to meet… the surrogate. You’ve not even told me her name.”

“Sophia,” Aaron said, looking like a deer caught in headlights. “You can’t.”

“I have to,” Robert said. “She needs to know about me. My brain… problems. I’m still functional, Aaron, you trust me with Seb, I can work at my job perfectly well. How long can you hide me away anyway?”

“Until you remember,” Aaron said firmly.

“Right, and whens that going to be?” Robert asked. Aaron looked very uncomfortable. “We might have to accept that I’m not going to,” Robert said quietly. Aaron shook his head. “I hate it much more than you, but it’s reality. I might not remember.”

“I don’t want to think about that,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “Please, Robert.”

“The longer we leave it, the more she’s going to overreact. You know it’s true.”

“I can’t tell her,” Aaron said. “I can’t risk losing our baby.”

“Do you think she would?” Robert asked. “Take it away?”

“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “We’re asking a stranger to do the most important thing for us, and… I don’t know.”

“We have to talk to her,” Robert said.

“I know,” Aaron said. “I just don’t want to. Not today.”

“Fine,” Robert agree easily. “Not today.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably bump the rating of this fic up, but oh well!! Enjoy! 
> 
> FYI, if I get more comments that include swearing at people, your comment will be deleted with no reply. No one has to read this story.

Robert was itching to touch him, he could tell. Aaron had woken up next to him often enough to be familiar with it when Robert had an itch in his hands and wanted him. Aaron rolled over. “I’m awake.” That was all it took for Robert to kiss him, rolling on top of him and pushing him into the mattress.

“What’s got into you?” Aaron asked. “Not complaining.”

“I realised something after the car,” Robert said, kissing Aaron‘s collarbone. “Remembering us together for the first time.”

“Oh, I like that,” Aaron gasped, Robert sucking his nipple as he tugged Robert’s hair. “Feels good.”

“Teeth or not?” Robert asked breathlessly. He grazed the edge of his teeth against Aaron’s skin very lightly and Aaron moaned loudly. “That’s a yes, then. Good to know.”

“What exactly are you doing?”

“Finding out what turns my husband on,” Robert said. “I realised that you have hundreds of memories of us together.” Robert kissed Aaron’s stomach, working his way down his body. “I don’t have any. Well, one. I managed to remember one.”

“No, two,” Aaron said. “We had a great shag after your meltdown over Katie, you‘re ignoring that. It was after the accident but it still happened.”

“Oh, that’s true,” Robert said, peeling his underwear down before pressing his lips to Aaron’s hip bone. “Mm, I wasn’t counting that, I should have.”

Robert hesitated. “You don’t have to,” Aaron said, realising that this would almost be like a first for him.

“You don’t want me to?”

“I’m a bloke, what do you think?” Robert smiled that devastatingly charming smile, then went down on him. Aaron threw his head back, body tensing as Robert’s warm mouth sank down onto him. Aaron tried to hold back from thrusting into his mouth, with difficulty, groaning as Robert’s throat fluttered around him.

“Jesus,” Aaron gasped, tugging at Robert’s hair, no inhibitions from him at all. He was good, so good and he whined as Robert started toying with his balls. “Rob… oh God…” How long had it been since Robert had done this? Weeks? Months? Everything had lost it's place since the accident.

“I’m close,” Aaron said, pulling Robert as close as he could get. Robert didn’t move away, just kept sucking more eagerly and Aaron moaned with his orgasm rushing through him.

Robert licked his lips which made Aaron shiver before he kissed him, slightly dirty. “I love you,” Aaron said before sinking into another kiss to stop Robert replying. He curled up small into Robert’s chest, letting his broad shoulders and long arms wrap around him. It had been a while since he’d felt like Robert was comforting him, since he’d been the little spoon. Since Robert’s bout of amnesia, it felt like it was always Aaron reassuring him, and this was nice, the other way around.

“We’ve got ten minutes,” Robert said. “Before we have to get up. Work.”

“Okay,” Aaron said comfortably. He kissed Robert’s chest and settled down to doze for a little bit.

* * *

Aaron had sent Sophia a text, asking to meet up in the next few days. He had no idea how he was going to even start to talk about Robert’s memory, but he was right. They’d been avoiding it for too long, and Robert’s memories were not coming back. Not enough of them anyway. She replied quickly, and Aaron nodded to himself. This was going to be tricky. Sophia wasn’t unreasonable, so maybe it’d be okay, but it was their baby. It had taken so much to get to this point and if she wanted to, she could just walk away? This is what Robert had been afraid of in the first place and why he’d suggested America.

“I need some money,” Liv said, clambering downstairs.

“For what?” Aaron asked.

“My headphones are broken,” she said. “I don’t need to hear what you and Robert are getting up to every night.” Aaron rolled his eyes, but the memory was to fresh to really be that annoyed with her. It had been a very good morning.

* * *

“Are you even listening to me?”

Robert looked at Nicola across the cabin and shook his head. “No.” The truth was his mind was still on Aaron, more specifically that morning in bed with him. After a gruff “I’m awake,” Robert had rolled on top of him, kissing down his body to Aaron’s soft smiles before giving him a morning blow job. Robert hadn’t done that before, or at least, not to his memory. God, having Aaron’s body writhing under him had been such a thrill, made him feel powerful, he couldn’t stop thinking of it. Aaron’s fingers pulling through his hair, the tension in his abdomen, the taste of him filling his mouth. The way Aaron moaned and panted, desperate for him. Then afterwards, Aaron had been all soft and tender, far more than Robert had ever experienced. He’d just wanted to snuggle, almost burying into Robert’s chest.

“Oi! Sugden!” 

“Eh?” Robert felt the rolled up ball of paper hit him and then saw Nicola’s glare.

“Stop daydreaming,” she said. “We’ve got to get to this meeting.” She paused. “Unless you’d rather me go on my own.”

“No,” Robert said. “I can’t leave all the clients to you. I want to do it.” He looked down at his hands, seeing his wedding ring there. He hadn’t taken it off when he’d woken up from the accident, even though he hadn’t remembered Aaron, but he hadn’t really thought about it much either. Now he thought about it. He had a wedding he didn’t remember, a whole marriage he didn’t know.

“Nicola, did you come to my wedding?” Robert asked suddenly.

“Which one?” Nicola deadpanned.

“Aaron. Either one.” He knew that he’d married Aaron twice, because of the two dates on the back of the watch, but he still didn’t know the details. He could count perfectly well though, and guessed Seb came into it somewhere along the line.

“Yes,” Nicola said. “Why?”

“Have you got pictures?”

“Yeah,” she said. “After the meeting though. We’re already going to be late. I’ll buy you a coffee,” she added which was about as friendly as Nicola got, so Robert agreed easily. He could push it for a while.

* * *

The meeting was a success and both of them were almost gleeful as they had lunch at the café in the village. “Pictures,” Robert prompted after being filled with caffeine. “My wedding.”

“Oh, right,” Nicola said. She got her phone out, scrolling through the camera roll, blathering about her kids Christmas presents which clearly were on her phone before the wedding, then she handed the phone over. “They’re not the best, but you get the general idea of the day.”

“Thanks.” There were a few shots of her and Jimmy and Bernice dressed up for the day, then he saw the chairs, set up for an outdoor wedding, decorated beautifully. Then a picture of them both presumably saying their vows. They’re wearing blue suits, really smart and Aaron’s holding his hand. He’s looking at Aaron like he’s the sun. Nicola managed to get a picture of the wedding kiss, and they’re both smiling. You can see the happiness between them.

“I can send you the pictures if you want,” she said as Robert reluctantly handed her phone back and Robert nodded.

“It’s weird,” Robert said. “Knowing all this stuff has happened and not remembering it.”

“Just think of it like one really long hangover.”

“What, for five years?” Robert said. “I know it’s not anyone’s fault, but it’s so frustrating.”

“Yeah,” Nicola said. “At least your arms work, though. Silver linings.”

“Thanks,” Robert said.

When Nicola had finished her lunch, she looked at her phone. “I’ve got to pick the kids up. Half day today, God knows why. Are you all right filing the paperwork for the contract?”

“Yeah,” Robert agreed. “Of course. I’m just going to have another coffee.” Nicola said her goodbyes and left as Brenda brought him over another drink and Robert smiled to himself. It felt good to see how happy he was with Aaron in those pictures. He couldn’t ever remember being that happy in his life. He felt something for Aaron now, he knew he did, but it wasn’t quiet the same as what he saw in photos and how people told it, like it was some epic love story. That didn’t make sense for him.

“Robert?”

He looked up from his coffee to see a woman, maybe thirty smiling at him.

“Hi?” Robert said blankly. He didn’t recognise her at all, but from the look on her face he was guessing he should. “Sorry, I’m not sure…” She frowned, looking at him like he had two heads. 

“Don’t take it personally,” Brenda said from behind the counter. “Bump on the head, knocked everything out of him.” As Brenda was speaking, Robert got a sneaking suspicion who this woman was, the crawling fear up his spine.

“You don’t know who I am, do you?” she said, looking shocked.

“I’m…”

“Sophia,” she said. “I’m literally carrying your baby.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! I didn't want to leave it on a cliffhanger for too long, but I don't know when I'll get the chance to update this! I wrote it quicker than I normally do! Enjoy!

Robert bolted out of the café, not even paying as he raced after Sophia. She’d left, just walked out and he’d been a bit stunned, so he hadn’t got up for a few seconds.

“Sophia, please!” Robert called after her. She stopped walking to her car and looked at him. “We need to talk about this, Aaron’s at home with Seb, please.”

“I don’t think…”

“You’re already pregnant,” Robert said. “I didn’t plan on losing my memory, I was in an accident and it happened. Please, please let us talk about it,” he said desperately. She looked at her watch.

“Fine,” she said. “But I’m meeting my sister later this afternoon, so I’ve got limited time.”

“Thank you,” Robert said, almost racing to the Mill. He couldn’t have this conversation alone, he needed Aaron. Sophia followed him to the Mill and as soon as Robert opened the door, he shouted Aaron’s name.

“All right, keep your hair on,” Aaron said, coming down the stairs with Seb in his arms. He looked between Robert and Sophia and it clicked very quickly, as he started thinking, hard.

“Right,” Aaron said. “Hi Sophia.”

“Aaron,” she said with a smile. “Something you forgot to tell me?”

“Er… not exactly,” Aaron said, readjusting Seb on his chest, the boy wriggling. “It’s why we messaged to meet up with you.”

“He’s lost his memory?”

“I am still here,” Robert said, looking between Aaron and Sophia.

“When were you planning to tell me?” she asked.

“This week,” Aaron said. “It’s been a lot to cope with, telling you wasn’t…”

“Top of the list?” she asked sharply.

“No,” Robert said. “Look, I woke up after the accident and I didn’t remember Aaron, I didn’t remember my son, nothing in the last five years. It’s all blank. Trying to slot back in my life, catch up with my sister, get to know Aaron again, that was what we were focusing on first.”

“But the baby,” she said, a hand over her stomach. “I deserved to know.”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “It’s an impossible situation.”

The three of them fell silent, unaware of what the next move should be.

“Tea?” Robert suggested.

“Why not,” Sophia said dully, sitting on the sofa. She felt very blind sighted. As far as she was aware, Robert was slowly recovering after his accident. Physically at least. This, nothing prepared her for it.

* * *

The silence as the three of them held their mugs of tea was only broken by Seb’s happy chattering in his toy box, completely oblivious to the atmosphere between the adults.

“What happened?” Sophia asked, her voice far calmer now.

“A car accident,” Aaron said. “I called Robert and a nurse picked up telling me he’d been in an accident, and I froze. The entire time he was unconscious I was just praying that he’d be okay. He woke up and didn’t remember me.”

“I’m sorry,” Robert said, feeling terrible.

“It’s not your fault,” Aaron said. “It’s not anyone’s fault.”

“I still feel guilty.” Aaron reached across the sofa and squeezed Robert’s thigh, trying to comfort him.

“What happened then?” Sophia asked.

“My abdomen was a bit messed up,” Robert said. “It took a while for me to recover from it.”

“That was true, then,” she added, Aaron looking at the floor.

“We didn’t want to lie to you,” Aaron said. “What would you do in that situation? We were going to tell you the truth this week.”

“Do you still want this baby?”

“Yes,” Robert and Aaron said in unison. “Absolutely," Aaron said.

“Dada!” Seb said, toddling towards him. “Ela!”

Robert picked up Seb who was showing him his toy Elsa with happiness, and Robert kissed the top of his head.

“You don’t remember him?”

“No,” Robert said. “Don’t remember him being born, his first words, first steps, nothing.” It’s said with clear regret.

“Da?”

“I’m here,” Robert said, giving him a tight cuddle.

“He’s a great parent,” Aaron said. “Seb adores him. Seb’s not noticed anything different.”

“You think?” Robert asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron said softly. “You loved him before, you love him now.”

“Anna!” Seb squealed. Robert rolled his eyes and let Seb get his other doll from the floor.

“Sophia, nothings changed,” Aaron said. “I know Robert doesn’t remember, but we’re still the same people. We would have told you.”

Sophia frowned, but it wasn’t at them. “Sophia?”

“Mm,” she said. “Baby’s kicking.” Aaron and Robert looked at each other sharply.

“Is that the first time…” Aaron asked.

“I thought I felt something the other night, but I wasn’t sure,” she said, a hand over her stomach. “This is definitely a kick. Do you…?”

“Yes,” Robert said. Both men almost scrambled over to her, putting their hands where she guided them. For a few moments they couldn’t feel anything, and then… not a kick exactly, but definite movement under their fingertips. Almost like the baby was turning over. Aaron had the biggest smile on his face, a grin that could light up the dark.

“That’s our baby,” Aaron said.

“Sophia, thank you,” Robert said, smiling a little more nervously than Aaron.

“Are you still coming to the gender scan?”

“Yes,” Aaron said. “I know this is a lot to deal with, but we really want this baby.”

“I know you do,” she said. “Can I talk to Robert?” Aaron and Robert shared a look, then Aaron nodded.

“I need to call Ellis anyway. Make sure he’s doing the work at the yard,” Aaron said, squeezing Robert’s hand as he left. Sophia didn’t speak until they could both hear Aaron mumbling on the phone from outside.

“Robert do you want this?”

“Yes,” Robert said sincerely. “I was shocked when Aaron told me, same as you probably are. But yes, of course."

“You don’t want out?”

“No,” Robert said. “I want my family and my life with Aaron.”

“What’s so special about him?” Sophia asked.

Robert smiled. “I can’t put it into words. I don’t want a bump on the head to change the life I would have been living if… if that road had been empty that day, and another car hadn’t hit me. I don’t want chance to take it away. You must have liked us too, to agree in the first place.”

“I did like you,” Sophia said. “You’re both crazy.” Robert laughed. “When I found out about prison I wanted to run a mile, but there’s something about you two.” Robert kept his smile in place without letting anything behind the scenes show. Prison? Robert had no clue what she was talking about.

* * *

“How did it go?” Aaron asked, coming back in once she’d left, promising to meet them at the hospital next week.

“She asked if I wanted to get out of this,” Robert said. “The baby.”

“Oh, my God,” Aaron said.

“I said no, instantly,” Robert said. “Told her a bump on the head doesn’t change us.”

“Was she… reassured?” Aaron asked.

“Seemed to be,” Robert said. “She mentioned something though. She mentioned… prison?”

“Oh.” Aaron looked down at the floor.

“Should I even ask… me or you?”

“Me,” Aaron said. “You’ve done plenty of shit that should have got you in prison, but… me.”

“For what?” Robert asked.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “I can’t dance around the truth, only telling you bits and pieces in case your memory might come back. I don’t care what the doctors say. I’m going to tell you everything.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Well, it's been a bit of a week of it hasn't it (thanks Ryan). I'm not abandoning this fic at all, but given other events, it might be harder for me to update regularly. That said, enjoy! I'm also using a new laptop for formatting, so I apologise if it's not as it usually is.

Aaron had grabbed a beer after putting Seb down for his nap. It might only be early afternoon, but if he was to recount everything they’d been through to Robert, he felt like he needed a drink. “Go on, then,” Robert said, shifting uncomfortably on the sofa. He knew he’d hear things that didn’t exactly paint him in a good light which made him nervous.

“I don’t know exactly where to start,” Aaron said. “You came to the village in about… October 2014. Moved in to Home Farm with the Whites, you were engaged to Chrissie.” Aaron sighed. “We erm… bumped into each other after a few weeks.”

“How?” Robert asked.

“I stole your car,” Aaron said making Robert raise his eyebrows. “Okay, technically, I didn’t steal your car, but you always thought I did. Ross stole it, I found him, then you burst in catching us on your phone camera with your stolen car.”

“Why?” Robert asked. “Why did you have anything to do with stolen cars?”

“Because we were involved in stripping them down for parts and then selling them on,” Aaron said quickly. “I wanted cash, but I was getting cold feet about it anyway.” Aaron shrugged. “You said you wouldn’t go to the police if we did something for you.”

“Which was?”

“Stage a burglary at Home Farm.”

“What?” Robert asked, frowning. “Why?”

“You wanted to play the big hero,” Aaron said. “Get Lawrence on side so he’d respect you.”

“Oh,” Robert said. “Right, okay.”

“It went wrong,” Aaron said. “Lawrence had a heart attack. It all went a bit pear shaped. That’s how we met.”

“What happened then?” Robert asked slowly.

“You wouldnt stop going after me,” Aaron said with a smile. “You flirted with me for weeks. In the end you faked a breakdown in the layby on the way to Hotten. Called me to “fix” it. That wasn't really why you called me.”

“No?”

“No.” Aaron cleared his throat. “I basically asked you what you thought you were doing, then… you kissed me. It was like you couldn’t help yourself and you just had to.”

“What, I leapt on you?” Robert asked with a grin.

“Something like that, yes,” Aaron said. “God, I wanted you so much, I couldn’t stop.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked, almost shyly. It must be strange hearing about an affair and having no memory of it.

“I pulled you to the cabin of the truck, and tried to get you in, but you… came to your senses. You left, telling me you were straight, then went off home to your fiance. You tracked me down later that night, and we had sex in a car at Cain’s garage.”

“Wow. Didn’t waste any time,” Robert said. “That’s what I remember?”

“I think so,” Aaron said. “We have had sex in the back of a lot of cars.” Aaron swallowed against the memory, suddenly so vivid. “It changed everything. It felt… incredible. From that moment on, neither of us really let go. It killed me whenever you went back home to Chrissie.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Nothing to say,” Aaron said, not unkindly. “It happened. I fell in love with you so quickly. I couldn’t stop. I knew you were taken and I didn’t care. We kept seeing each other, and eventually Katie caught on to the fact you were having an affair with someone. She was desperate to find out who.”

“Okay,” Robert said.

“It came to a point on your wedding day,” Aaron said. “You’d said from the beginning that once you were married, you wouldn’t cheat on Chrissie. I was desperate to keep you. You kept saying you were straight, and I was pissed off. I thought, so stupidly, that if I made you make a choice, you’d choose me. I tipped Katie off that you’d be meeting someone, up at Wylies farm. It’s not a time I look back on much, because we all made massive mistakes.” Aaron sniffed for a second, gathering himself.  “You couldn’t see that you were in love with me.”

“Was I?” Robert asked. “Even back then?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “You never said, but you risked being late on your wedding day just to talk to me. You were  ** _so_**  late.”

“Katie?”

“Took a photo of us together,” Aaron said. “I knew you were trapped, and I left you there to talk your way out of it. You're good at that.” Aaron sounded like he knew that very well.

“You left?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I will always regret that. I shouldn’t have forced you to come out. I just… wanted you to pick me.” Robert reached over and squeezed Aaron’s hand gently as he took a swig of beer. Robert felt like he could do with one too.

“So…”

“It’s what you told me,” Aaron said. “You and Katie argued, she wouldn’t give in, because why would she? You wouldn’t let her leave, and she threatened to tell Chrissie. She’d have gone through with it too, you know she would. You pushed her. The floor was rotten and she fell, and broke her neck.” Robert nodded slowly. This sort of tied up with the memory he’d got back. He felt a shock of fear, the unknowingness of it all, the floor collapsing. “You called me, and I... cleared up the signs that we’d been there while you hurried to the church. I did it, I made sure it looked like she was alone, just in case and then...  You married Chrissie, while I watched. It was awful. One of the worst days of my life.”

“I don't know what to say,” Robert said.

“It’s our history. There are good bits too,” Aaron reassured him. “Just not that one.”

“What happened after?”

“We carried on the affair. For about six months.”

“That long?”

“Off and on,” Aaron said. “I couldn’t stop seeing you, and you couldn’t stop either.” Aaron smiled to himself. “There are good memories there. We stayed in a few hotels, and the first time I woke up next to you, it felt… so right. So right. I wanted to wake up with you every day for the rest of my life. It should have scared me feeling like that, but it didn’t. Your hand crept over me and I felt like I was home.”

“But a woman died,” Robert said. “How do we…”

“It was waiting to happen,” Aaron said. “Afterwards, they investigated the building. The floor was waiting to collapse, and Katie and Andy were going to buy it anyway. It hadn’t come up in the surveyors report. You didn’t help matters, but…” Aaron shrugged. “That’s what I tell myself anyway. We can’t change it now.”

“Yeah, okay,” Robert said. It was years ago, after all. Worrying about motives and what ifs now felt pointless, especially as he didn’t remember. “What then?”

“We carried on behind Chrissie’s back. Even in her house. In the end, too many people knew and it was going to fall apart. I don't know if it was Chrissie, the money, or wanting to tell the world you were straight. You held on to that lie for long enough.”

Robert felt a prickling heat under his skin. “I’m not gay.”

“No,” Aaron agreed. “You’re bisexual.” The word felt almost strange to Robert. He hadn’t quite got used to it, even though in the here and now he was falling for Aaron again. He knew that much.

“How did the affair come out?”

“I outed you,” Aaron said. “I’m not proud of it, but you pushed me to the edge.”

“How?”

“Holding me at gunpoint. Drink?” Aaron said, very quickly.

“WHAT?!” Robert spluttered.

“Coffee or whisky?”

“Whisky.” Aaron got him a drink before saying anything else. “I held you at gunpoint?”

“I wish I could say it’s better than it sounds,” Aaron said. “Too many people knew. Chas, Paddy, Cain, the affair was coming out and then you threatened Paddy and I snapped. I tried to record you admitting to Katie’s death. You found out and hit breaking point, ending up tying me to a radiator and threatening to shoot me.”

Robert said nothing for several seconds. “You married me after that?”

“Not directly after,” Aaron said. “I never thought you were going to do it.”

“But… why?”

“You could see your life falling apart, and I’d got tired of keeping my mouth shut. Whenever something bad happens, you lash out, I lash in. You’ve seen the scars on my chest, you know I take it out on myself. We’re opposites, but we work well together.”

“Doesn’t sound like it,” Robert said. “I sound like a horrible person.”

“You’re not,” Aaron reassured. “We all do terrible things.”

“Not that terrible!” Robert shouted. “You’ve told me I’ve killed someone, and tried to kill the man I love? I sound awful!”

“Yeah, it doesn’t look great,” Aaron admitted. “How about I tell you something good instead?”

“We have good memories?” Robert said darkly, necking the whisky.

“Our wedding,” Aaron said. “The happiest day of my life.”

“Yeah?” Robert asked.

“The second,” Aaron said. “The first was… bittersweet. We wanted to get married before I went to prison.”

“I don’t even know if I should ask,” Robert said glumly.

Aaron ignored this. He wanted to give some good stuff in with the bad. “Our wedding in October. The night before, we were trying to do the traditional thing, keep apart. I stayed at the pub, you stayed here. Or that was the plan. After about half an hour you text me, and you snuck over to the pub. Creeping up the stairs like some teenager.” Aaron smiled at the memory. “You got into bed with me and cuddled me and we just… talked about the future for hours. Then you crept back out at about six in the morning to get ready for the ceremony.”

“Why?”

“We couldn’t stay away from each other,” Aaron said, smiling wistfully to himself. “I think we both felt that we’d wasted enough time, that spending another night away from you… I didn’t want to do it.”

Robert smiled, this time it met his eyes. “But even so, what you’ve told me… it’s a lot.”

“It is,” Aaron said. “I know. It’s too much to take in.”

“I want photos,” Robert said. “I badgered Nicola for them, but I want as many photos and things from our wedding as you can find. I might never remember, and I want to know.”

“Okay,” Aaron said. “That’s fair enough. I’ll sort it.”

“Thank you.” Robert looked around the room nervously. “What happened then?”

“I blew the affair,” Aaron said. “Couldn’t keep quiet after you’d treated me like that, so I told Chrissie everything. She chucked you out, you had no home, job or wife.” Aaron shook his head. “It ended so messily.”

“I guess I deserved it,” Robert said quietly. “And then?”

“You wound everyone up,” Aaron said. “Ended up taking a bullet to the chest.” He spoke so casually, but Robert’s mind was in overdrive. He’d been shot? Oh, God, that must be the small mark on his chest. He hadn’t paid it too much attention, it was tiny and didn’t look that different to a mole or a few freckles. Someone had hated him enough to try and kill him? How? How could that be happening? He was meant to be murdered?!

“Breathe,” Aaron advised. Robert found Aaron crouched in front of him, hands on Robert’s knees as he tried to talk Robert out of a panic attack.  “Easy, it’s all right, I’m here. Slowly.” Aaron was so calm, how did he do it? God, they’d not got out of 2015 yet, how much more was there?!

“Okay?” Aaron asked calmly.

“Not sure,” Robert said. “You could have warned me someone tried to murder me.”

“I suppose I could have,” Aaron said, smiling slightly. He topped up Robert's whisky glass, waiting for Robert to get himself under control again. He didn't want to shock Robert more than he had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've not nearly got through the whole robron story, but this chapter felt long enough as it was! Part two coming soon.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I left this one for a while, I'm sorry! Been inspired to write a large portion of my big bang fic, which has taken up my time. Got to this one in the end though! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Robert gave up. He’d decided that was plenty for one day and he didn’t want to hear any more. Aaron wanted to carry on, having started, but Robert couldn’t take it. It was a lot to hear all in one go, Aaron assumed. They had time for the rest of it, so he wouldn’t push. Robert was very quiet for the rest of the day, thinking things over. Aaron just went through the motions, wondering if it was too much. Robert did expect them to go to bed together, so that was at least something.

“How are we even together after all that?” Robert asked, laying close to Aaron.

“Because we love each other,” Aaron said. “I know it sounds bad out of context. Really bad, but… we never stopped loving each other. Once you stopped hiding, and I’d stopped hitting the self destruct button, we made a really good team.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Aaron agreed.

“Who shot me?”

“There were a lot of different suspects,” Aaron said. “The police wanted me for it. Burned ex lover, a Dingle, it fitted perfectly for them.”

I don’t even know if I want to ask…”

“I didn’t shoot you,” Aaron said softly. “I swear on everything we have together. You really got me annoyed, and hurt, but I didn’t. I didn’t have an alibi though. Then the police caught me on video trying to dispose of the gun.”

“Why?” Robert asked, eyes wide open.

“I thought… my mum had shot you. At the time, so I was doing it to protect her. I got thrown in prison for that. You got me out by giving a statement to the police. Don’t know if I ever thanked you for that.”

“If you didn’t, who did?” Robert asked. “Please just tell me. Chrissie?”

“Andy,” Aaron said. “Got someone else to do it, but Andy.”

“Why?” Robert said. “Oh. For Katie.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Aaron shrugged, not easy to do laying down in bed. “You called it quits at the end. He forgave you, you forgave him.”

“Where is he?”

“On the run,” Aaron said. “He was accused of shooting Lawrence. He didn’t do it, and you proved that, but he left the country. You helped get him out.”

“Okay,” Robert said quietly. “This is a lot of information.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said.

“Can you just hold me?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, scooping up Robert against his chest. It took a long time for Robert to fall asleep, unable to turn his mind off, the surrogacy, prison, being shot, the affair, marrying Chrissie, Katie, all events he didn’t remember participating in swirling around in his mind. But he did eventually, Aaron’s embrace very welcome. If someone as good as Aaron could hold him and touch him like this after everything, there was probably a good person hidden somewhere inside.

* * *

When he woke up, Robert found a breakfast tray, and Aaron cuddling Seb. “Are you okay?” Aaron asked.

“I feel better after sleeping,” Robert said. “That was a lot of information.”

“I know that,” Aaron said. “I’m so used to our history, I don’t think I considered how much it’d be for you.” He passed Seb over. “It all came all right in the end though.”

“Yes,” Robert said, kissing Seb’s head. “It did.  I’m not ready for more yet,” Robert said.

“Okay.”

* * *

 

Ever since Robert had asked to have photos of their wedding, Aaron had been thinking about it. They had an album from their wedding of course, but they were more professional photos. Robert was right, having as many photos as possible, just in case he never remembered their wedding day. So he’d decided to ask Chas. Kerry, Nicola, Bernice, even Charity must have some photos on their phones floating around. They’d all come into the pub, so Chas could collect photos. He’d make a really special album for Robert. He wanted Robert to remember, so badly. But he had to accept that maybe, just maybe… he wouldn’t. It was a reality he was slowly coming around to.

* * *

 

“Aaron, Robert, come in.” Both men looked at each other, nervous. The therapist had asked to have a meeting with both of them at Robert’s next appointment which filled them with anxiety. They had the last appointment of the day, and Aaron wondered if that was by design. Robert hadn’t remembered anything else, so this meeting couldn’t be good.

“Just say it,” Robert said dully.

“Okay,” Rosie said brightly. “As you know, you’ve not remembered as much as we’d have hoped. It’s not like the movies, there isn’t going to be a magic switch or a moment that you remember everything in your life. We’ve talked about that.” Robert nodded because they had. “Your progress has been quite slow, which is why I wanted to talk to you and Aaron.”

“You don’t think he’s going to get it back,” Aaron said, getting to the point.

“No,” she said. “I know this is hard to accept, and I would like to keep seeing you, but it looks like the brain damage you suffered in the car crash, damaging where your memories were stored… it looks like it’s permanent.”

Robert had been expecting it. The slowness with which he’d got a couple of memories back… it didn’t look good. But he couldn’t help himself from sobbing anyway, Aaron’s arms scooping him up and holding him tight. Aaron was devastated too. It had been coming, but it still hurt. They’d have to build it all over again from scratch, with no expectation that Robert would ever remember the good times. Losing their relationship history hurt Aaron unbelievably. Robert was the one person he knew he wouldn’t have gotten through the past few years without, and now… he would never remember it. It felt life changing.

* * *

On the way home, Aaron was struck by the distance between them. They’d not really talked properly since Robert had discovered a lot of their history. It was a lot to take in, Aaron knew, but he could really do with some communication from his husband. Especially in light of what Rosie had told them, that this was as much as Robert would get back.

“Robert, I’m going to need you to talk to me,” Aaron said while driving. “Please, anything.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Robert said. “I know things have been… sketchy for a few days, I just don’t know what to say anymore.”

“It’s not all bad,” Aaron said. “I know what I told you makes it look like it is, but I promise it isn’t.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, though he didn’t sound like he believed it. “I know.”

“Hang on, I’ve got an idea.” Aaron didn’t say anything else until he pulled up into a layby. “Here.”

“What’s here?”

“It’s where we had our first kiss,” Aaron said, getting out of the car. It was a cold but clear day, actually familiar to that December day so long ago. He sat on the bonnet of the car, Robert following suit.

“Why here?”

“You couldn’t resist me any longer,” Aaron said, grinning. “It’s where we got engaged as well. The second time.”

“Really?”

“We were both feeling sentimental,” Aaron admitted. “It was such a good day.”

“What was our first kiss like?” Robert asked. “Show me.” A hint of that boyish grin and Aaron smiled. Maybe some of the shocks over the last few days were wearing off now.

“I walked away from you,” Aaron said. “I knew you were interested in me, but you kept going hot and cold on me, and I got annoyed, so I walked away. You grabbed my shoulder, turned me around and kissed me like your life depended on it.”

“Show me,” Robert repeated and Aaron grinned before kissing him deeply. It wasn’t quite as desperate as their first kiss had been, but then it was impossible to recreate that wanting and desire and desperate lust when they lived together and were married.

Robert breathed deeply when the kiss ended, resting his forehead on Aaron’s and smiled. “It was a good first kiss?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Ever since that moment, I was gone for you. There’s never been anyone else for me, and there never will be.”

“Come on,” Robert said, gripping Aaron’s hand. “Lets go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my fave chapter of the story, but these things needed to happen! Gender scan is coming up in the next instalment, and I'm still undecided, so suggestions please!


End file.
